As the Ash Settles

Chapter Nine: Lonely Whispers.

Citrine had been stabbed many times on their journey but this was the sharpest dagger of all. "You mean nothing to me" the words rang through her head over and over, "nothing." Those were his words, she meant nothing to him. Everything they had been through, all the promises of forever, could he have been lying? Was he just hurt? How could a hug end it all? The cave ceiling left little to comfort her. The sounds of the others let her know no one was getting much sleep that day. She stole a look over to Astarion, his back faced her, Cazador's 'poem' met her eyes, deep and raised scars written in infernal. Was he in just as much agony as she was, or was his anger greater than the pain? Although if she meant nothing, perhaps she had always meant nothing to him simply a means to an end.

Scratch and Robin lay close to her that night, they did sleep peacefully dreaming of who knows what, their warmth brought her comfort, but she needed to walk. This cave was large, they had each taken different routes to make sure they were alone. It was safe. She slowly as to not wake either of them, climbed out from her roll. Her feet had a mind of their own, leading her deeper into the cave, the light from the campfire was long gone, and her darkvison was all she had to rely on.

A few hours had gone by, more than likely only an hour or two before sunset but Citrine kept walking deeper. She would turn around and head back soon, and the rest would have camp packed up and they'd be ready to go. Shadowheart and Gale would understand her need to be alone at that moment.

"A little wood elf all alone, how sad. Her friends so far away that no one can hear her screams." The voice whispered through the cave, its whispers were fragmented but sharp. They felt like ice in her mind.

"Who is there?" Citrine, turned in every direction seeing no soul in sight.

"I'd recognize a daughter of Bhaal anywhere, would he be pleased or upset if she ended herself now?" The whisper became louder as if it were flooding her own mind.

"I am no daughter of Bhaal, I have defied my father and walk free of him."

"Oh, the little elf walks free, walks freely into my home."

Citrine, casted moonbeam directly in front of her flooding the cave with light, a green ghost-like demon, hovered in the corner of the cave ceiling, each of its teeth pointed sharp. It's eyes glowing a sickly green. She wracked her brain, trying to recall if she knew what this creature was but at last nothing.

"Little elf, so alone, no friends following she needn't need to be alone, she could stay here, be with us. Be one of my pets where she'd never be alone again. She'd just have to walk into her light. It wouldn't hurt much. Be quick, painless and never know the feeling of loneliness again."

"Are you insane?"

"Are you, elf? There is sanity in the end, no need to be alone, no need to question yourself. Just walk into the light." the whispers were directly in her mind, much like when the Emperor's words had flooded her thoughts so did this creature. Would her thoughts ever just be her own? The light did look inviting, she had seen its effects as it was her favorite spell to use on enemies for entering or escaping it flooded them with radiant light. Perhaps it wouldn't hurt too badly. If she burned no more blood would flow through her veins, she wouldn't be Bhaalspawn, she would just be. Gale, Shadowheart and Astarion would find a way for Wyll and Karlach. She needn't need to worry about them. And she meant nothing to Astarion, maybe she could just take a couple of steps and be free of her own torment.

Her bare foot took one step closer to the moonbeam. "That's it just a little more and you will never be lonely again." She had taken another step. She had freed Baldur's Gate, maybe rest would be fitting, she would still die a hero of Baldur's Gate, and if she didn't she chanced falling back into the mercy of her father's will and dying with the name of Bhaalspawn forever etched on her grave.

She moved closer, two more steps and this would all be over, no more pain, no more worries. Just the sweet release of death. She had died before, it hadn't been too bad, yes there was pain but a sense of calm followed. But, Astarion the words of Shadowheart of him going mad at her death of him seeing filled with nothing but rage not allowing others to continue to walk on the material plane. She meant nothing now though, or was that a lie said in the fear of her going to another? Maybe Gale was still right she could talk to him, even if the outcome was the same and she meant nothing at least she would of tried.

With every piece of willpower she had left she mustered the strength to push the moonbeam onto the green demon its whispers becoming screams in her head, then silence. She turned back walking toward the others.

Scratch and Robin greeted her with kisses and nudges, she returned the favor with rubs and cuddles. Shadowheart and Gale were packing up the last of the supplies, the fire had turned into smoldering coal. "Astarion, we need to talk."

"Oh, do we now? I thought you were speaking with Gale." His voice was cold, devoid of any feeling. The moon and starlight shone dimly into the cave.

"Please, Astarion." He stood straight from the cave wall and walked out of the mouth of the cave, even in his anger he was beautiful. Citrine followed him, the two walked in silence for a bit, the ocean softly hit the shore, the sounds of sleeping seals nearby.

"There is nothing between Gale and I other than friendship." Citrine had finally broken the silence.

"Looked cozier than friendship from where I was standing."

"Then you need to have your eyes checked by a healer. If I mean nothing to you, I can not change that, but that does not change the fact that I love you." Citrine grabbed his arm stopping him from walking, she pulled him to face her. "I love YOU, Astarion. The love I have for Gale, Shadowheart, Karlach, Wyll, Halsin, Jaheira, or Minsc is that of friendship. I do love you in a friend way as well but I love you like I need to breathe, I love you like how the flowers need the sun to grow, I love you like the ocean needs the moon to dance, I love you as if you are a part of me, the part that keeps me going, but I love you enough to let you go if that is what you want. I can not force you to see something in me. I can not force you to want to be with me, hells I can't even force you to listen to the words I am saying. But, I love you even if I am nothing to you. I will still get that ring for you, I will still wait the rest of my life hoping that you will one day you will look back on whatever beautiful life you are living and want to be with me. And when I'm buried in the ground my heart will still belong to you." She released his arm and walked forward. Though he did not follow, tears fell down her face silent sobs left her throat.

It was a long lonely walk, eventually, all had caught up with her and she stifled the emotions that begged to come out. The familiar hand of Shadowheart's fell in hers, squeezing it. Her best friend was there, the whispers were wrong, she wasn't alone. Even without Astarion by her side, she did not walk alone, she had her friends. She knew he would more than likely leave once Karlach had a new heart, and it tore her insides apart but that was up to him and him alone.