Before You

Have I Ever Felt So Conflicted?

‘If I am charming, he must be an ethereal saint’

Since this morning, my Friday has been extremely thought packed. Drew and his American mustang had been doing much better than me and my friesan, and that’s saying something considering his position for being here. But I really tried to focus, I could see Calumn giving me one of those ‘What’s up with you?’ looks from a side glance, which really made me feel awful. I wasn’t usually like this, everyone knew it. We were doing races with a few jumps here and there, but I opted out of the next one because I hadn’t even made one correct jump. Arthur came over, making me internally groan. As I wring my hands, carefully sliding my hands away from Thunder, my heart tends to do what it usually does in stressful situations. As it speeds up, so does my hand movements, my breathing erratic while I try and convince myself that I honestly shouldn’t be worried or nervous about him. Because I’m not that type of person, and I won’t be for one guy. Even if I am entirely unsure about who I am now. “Oh my god, I must be going through an identity crisis…” I manage to mutter out before Arthur reaches me, that same charming smile on his face. Yet, there’s something different there, and it certainly doesn’t look optimistic. “Hey.” Casual, okay. I can do that. “So, um… About this morning…” He keeps trailing off, like he’s unsure of how I’ll react. Although I believe I’d be fine unless he tells me it was a dare. Fuck, I hope it wasn’t. I might cry if it was. “I’m really sorry, I realise that it came out of nowhere. I am truly sorry about it.” The almost extravagant expression on his face as he wrinkled his nose and turned away with redness on his face ordered me to make him feel better. “It’s fine, I honestly wasn’t expecting it. But it was nice.” My eyes bulged as I flipped out over what I had just NOT said in my head. “Ah, shit. I mean.. uh. You’re a good kisser.” K, it’s official. “I’m digging myself a hole, aren’t I?” He nodded, a light chuckle on his lips, harmonious. “Don’t worry about it. What did— Did you want to.. forget about the kiss?” He asked, and I’m not exaggerating when I say my entire world stopped. “I—” Bursting into a fit of coughs to actually get air inside my lungs, I could feel someone patting my back gently as I gasped in breaths, a warm one filled with tenderness and possibly caution?

“Ay, what did you lot do to my grandson?!” I heard my Nini yelling, they’d probably seen the entire thing as they came tumbling not so elegantly towards me and the group which had formed as I choked. It felt like that feeling you get when you’re breathing but it’s not fresh air, it’s practically just the same old air and after awhile the feeling just turns into hatred because you’re sick. But I’m not sick. In fact, I’m perfectly fine. “What happened, Theodore?” I turn to my Nini, they seem worried. None of my parents would ever get worried if I started choking.

I cough, unable to suck in any fresh air. The same air just keeps rotating in and out of my nose, yet it’s not much better breathing in from my mouth either. The air becomes intoxicating, like the same thing keeping me alive could kill me at any moment. I think I would be okay with that if it meant I could finally breath the right way. Although I continue coughing, none of my parents say anything or look up. I stare at them, It’s almost as if I’m in a bubble. As if I’m floating in an airless vent. It’s ironic, because any other time I fake cough to get their attention, I don’t even get through the first cough before they’re smothering me. Because that’s what they do, I think, they either smother you to bits and pieces, or ignore you to death. The fits of coughs just seem to keep rolling on and on, as if sickness was running on a hamster wheel super fast and the only way to stop it would be to take a break from the entire outside world. ‘Yeeah, not doing that.’ As soon as the rough, croaky coughs stop, I start to complain again in hopes my parents will do something. Because now it’s not the coughing, it’s the stuffy nose and the goddamn sneezing every minute for a full on 10 seconds. ‘Achoo, achoo, achoo.’ Somehow, by some MIRACULOUS situation, my parents deemed me too septic to actually do anything useful today. ‘Thank fuck I don’t have to spend all day chopping wood again.’ Yet, I’m not too sure spending the entire morning being coddled is so fantastic either.