I don't know why (a collection of short stories)

The way I loved you

I was sitting on a waiting chair in the metro station. Tears rolled down my eyes. I couldn't imagine what had happened a few minutes ago and yet I have to believe it. Whom did I fall in love with? Do I even know the person? Is he really the person who used to make my heart flutter a few years ago? I don't know. My present is so messed up that I don't even dare to think about my future. My past is so boring and yet so much better than my present that its better for me to think about my past to forget about my present. I can't help but think about the days when I fell for him. 

Five years ago, I was a new student in the school when I first saw Tanveer. Both of us were in 9th grade. I eventually started liking him. I don't know when, why, or how. I just knew that I liked him. We weren't very good friends. We just talked formally whenever required, just as classmates. But I really wanted to be his friend. I badly wanted to talk to him, have a nice conversation. But I never got a chance. I still remember, one day I was not well. We had physical education classes and I was sitting in the corner and watching them play basketball. Tanveer used to look so cool while he played basket ball. He was good in sports. Everyone thought that I was watching the game but I wasn't really watching the game. I was looking at him, more like staring. The class had ended but sir, as usual was giving them lecture. Sir asked me to get all their water bottles, since I wasn't playing. I went to the classroom. It was empty. Tanveer's hoodie was on his bench. Something clicked inside my head and I couldn't control my urge to hug his hoodie. After all that crazy stuff I got all the water bottles and went to the basketball court. 

I still remember those nights when I used to cry thinking that my love for him will be unknown to him and how his girlfriend is so lucky to get him as a boyfriend. I don't know why I cried, but I just did it unknowingly. Maybe crying is not always an expression of sadness, sometimes it's all about feeling something so deeply that you end up crying not knowing why. Most of the times we cry because we feel.  

Then, I remember me shouting his name when nobody's there at home, or even whispering to myself the things which I always wanted to tell him. I used to imagine what would happen if by any chance a miracle takes place and I become his girlfriend. 

That miracle took place after three years. After tenth I had left the school and then two years had passed by. Then college started. It was a new experience for me. I never knew the feeling of having such good friends who are even crazier than I am. And then came second year of college. There was a fest in our college. So, people from other colleges were coming to attend the fest. I had almost forgotten about how much I loved Tanveer after I entered college and my life was totally fine without thoughts of him. But I guess he would never let me live my life in peace. I met Tanveer again, in the fest. I was nervous but I managed to not show it. Before this meeting I thought that I was over Tanveer. But this meeting makes me think over again about Tanveer and maybe I am not really over him. I couldn't help but fall for his charms. He asked if I would want to go out for coffee with him after the fest and I said yes. Then we started hanging out more often. It was all like a dream. I was afraid that I might not be allowed so much happiness. And it took two years for that fear to change into reality. 

I had been dating Tanveer for two years. Some of my fake friends were jealous that he was better than their boyfriend. And he really was. Everything about him was so perfect. He wasn't like the other boys, or at least that's what I thought.  

Today morning he called me to the metro station. I was surprised because usually we go to fancy places for dates and metro station was not our usual hanging out place. I got there and saw him standing there with a guilt in his face. He looked at me and said "I am sorry" I didn't know what had happened. Why would he suddenly say sorry to me? So I asked him. His face was filled with guilt. He explained for what he was sorry. He doesn't love me. That's all I can say after hearing his explanation. I am not going to say what he was sorry for but he doesn't deserve to be forgiven. But I couldn't say anything to him so I just asked him to leave. 

Now, when I think of all those days it makes me feel that I fell for a totally different person. I don't even know this person whom I met today in the metro station. Tanveer can never take the place of the person I loved when I was in 9th grade or the person whom I dated all these days. He's a different person but still I don't know why I can't hate him.