The Year That He Came Home

It Just Sucks.

January sucks. Straight up. It is the most miserable month of all. It's cold and windy and sopping with snow. I hate it. Everyone is miserable because the new semester is beginning and they have to care about grades and it's stressful and the absolute worst. But my dislike of being wet and cold wasn't what made this particular January suck so much. Alright. It was a pretty good part of it through indirect means.
About a week into January my family did this whole phone swap thing. It happens on occasion. Jaren got a basic phone, I got his smart phone, and my mother got my junker of a smart phone. She hated it. Her complaining made the rest of us miserable. She only used it for about a month before getting a new phone.
While my mom was struggling with her phone I was enjoying new found work. Jasmine's brother had commissioned some art from me and I really loved the work. Days later I was sitting in band joking with the french horns as a usual band day would have from me. Sometime during the class period Andy sent me a facebook message. He asked me to draw some illustrations for his book. I was ecstatic. More work and from someone I knew I liked. It would be my honor to draw for anyone's book. Everything seemed normal to me. I was enjoying it even. He sent me a link to read it and I decided I would when I had time in the next class. Halfway through pre-calculus I remembered I was in the middle of conversing with Andy and never replied. Silly me. Always leaving people hanging.
Poor boy hadn't been left hanging. I'd forgotten to reset my old phone before giving it to my mother and I was still logged in on everything. Including the facebook messenger.
I was shocked when I found messages that I didn't write to him. But I was even more shocked to read them.
Andy:
Also, I need to tell you something, it's kind of a spoiler alert though.
"me":
Okay. Tell me anyways.
Andy:
Well, you can't tell anyone, but I think I'm gay...
That was all I really needed to read to send me into some weird form of shock. I remember my heart beating hard in my chest and my mind going utterly blank. I wasn't sure what I was feeling but I really didn't like it. I practically missed the rest of the pre-calculus lesson and all I wanted to do was curl up and cry. My entire image of him crumbled as I read his book. Such a huge change is hard to absorb. I wasn't sure what to do I had to rebuild an entire person in my mind and I didn't feel adequate enough to do that. I kept reminding myself he hasn't changed. He hasn't changed. Well he hasn't changed but how I know him has.
I sought hypothetical help from my best friend. Coralie was unavailable. I sought hypothetical help from my table partners in American History. They were more interested in bad puns and anti jokes. I sought hypothetical help from those that I eat lunch with. They laughed it off as another Paige Problem. Problems that don't actually matter because the only one that has those problems is Paige.
I don't blame any of them for not being able to comfort me. It really wasn't in their realm and I'd built up an apathetic wall around everything.
My guard coach was at least able to sympathize with me but nothing really ever helped. It wasn't hard to figure out my mother had been behind the mysterious messages. She was just as shocked as I was.
It's hard. It's hard to think back on. I want to cry all over again just writing about it. It's hard and it hurts. Those wounds still sting a little but they're healing fine as time goes on. I thought I'd had a chance to love Carlos Andrew Lively but I was wrong. I would just have to wait longer. I'd receive some real help with my situation two or three days later from the best someones to help.