One Hundred Sleepless Nights

13

I go see my mom on Sunday. I'm tired and kind of hungover but I haven't seen her in awhile so when she called I couldn't say no. She doesn't call often anymore, so I take any chance I can get with her.

"You look so healthy, cariño." my mom says as we sit down together outside on her patio.

I know by healthy she means bigger, but this doesn't bother me. Last time she saw me I was cocaine skinny which honestly wasn't a good look for me at all. I know she's relieved to see that I've gained weight, its proof that I'm doing okay.

"Thank you, mami, you look good too."

My mom is 68 now which means sometimes she takes a little longer to stand up, her knees not supporting her as well as they used to. Even though her body is getting older she doesn't let it slow her down. Along her entire front driveway and back patio she has flowers upon flowers, all planted by herself each year. In the early days of May she's outside on her knees, digging up dirt and planting seeds. She knows one day she wont be able to do it herself so she takes the time to enjoy it now while she can.

"Tell me, what have you been up to lately?" she asks me, taking a sip of her homemade lemonade. "Are you still working at that bar?"

"I am." I say. "I manage the bar now, which I guess is exciting."

She nods like she agrees. "And you don't party there?"

I almost laugh at how unsubtle she is. "I don't party anymore, mami, I stopped."

"For good?" she asks, her eyes peering into mine.

Her skin is becoming withered due to the sun and life in general. Between my dad dying and me becoming a drug addict, she's had a lot to deal with over these past couple of years. I'll never stop regretting making her worry about me the way that she did. No mother should have to go through that.

"For good." I promise. "Never again. Ever."

"Good." she says, then "Are you seeing anyone?"

I hesitate for only a split second but she catches it.

"So you are?" she says excitedly. "Mi cariño why didn't you tell me?"

"I'm not really seeing anyone." I say, my cheeks flushing. "I've just been, like, hanging out with someone, but I'm not seeing anyone else either."

"For you that's seeing someone." she points out.

She turns and stares at her garden which is in full bloom at this time of year. I think she takes as much pride in her garden as she does her family, which for the first time since we lost my dad, has been doing great. We're living the good kind of life, the life she worked so hard to give us.

"How about you, mami, are you seeing anyone?" I ask. She hasn't dated since my dad and I know she wont, but I like to bother her sometimes like that.

"I'm too old to date." she says with a wave of her hand. "I don't want some man in my house everyday."

We're quiet for a second, both of us thinking of my dad. We remind one another of him and it breaks our hearts.

"Tell me about him." my mom says suddenly. "Your boyfriend."

"He is not my boyfriend." I say. "He's nice, though. Really sweet guy. He's not what I thought he was at first, but in a good way."

"He works with you?"

I shake my head. "No, but I did meet him at work. He came in one night and since then we've been hanging out pretty much nonstop."

"You smile when you talk about him." she says and she's right. A happy smile is on my face at the thought of Tony.

I should end it. 

Jaime's in town, Tony's in town, they both know where I work. I can't have both relationships without ruining one and right now its Jaime who's at risk of getting hurt.

"Have you been going to church?" I ask my mom trying to change the conversation in any means necessary. 

My mom has always gone to church every single Sunday since forever. Every Sunday she would get up at exactly 9am, get her best clothes on and then head out, often trying to get my family to go with her but of course we all said no. She'd go anyways, she always did.

"I haven't gone in two years." she says.

Guilt and worry churns in my stomach. She hasn't talked about church since we reconnected, I thought she stopped talking about it because she knows I don't believe in it, but now I know she stopped talking about it because she doesn't go.

"Why not? You love church."

"I haven't felt close to God in a long time." she says, her gaze set on her flowers.

"Because of me." I say, not even a question but a known statement.

"No, mi corazon, not because of you." she says. "I lost everyone after I lost your dad. I lost him, I lost you and I lost your brother."

The mention of my brother makes me uncomfortable. Its a sore subject which my mom and I don't bring up together, ever. We've avoided talking about him for as long as I can remember. I don't even know if they're in contact anymore. I assume they are but I wont dare ask.

"You didn't lose us." I say softly to my mom as I grab her hand and give it a squeeze. "I'm right here."

She gives me a forced smile. 

"I lost you the day you turned to drugs instead of me." she says, making my heart ache in my chest for all the pain I've caused her. "I failed you."

"You did not fail me, mami, not even close. I failed me." I say then quickly add "But I'm better now. I'll never do it again."

"I hope you don't. I can't go through that again."

"You don't have to." I promise. I squeeze her hand again as I smile at her, comforting her.

I know its terrible but in this moment I want to do the one thing I just promised her I wouldn't. At least then I wouldn't have to feel the regret and shame that comes with the drugs.