funeral boy

tony's tape

After Shawn's death, the roof became my regular spot. It didn't seem right to go to Shawn's garden without him, seeing as that was our place. I would've felt awful sitting there and knowing Shawn wasn't up in his room.

Tony was with me, keeping me company on our roof because he didn't trust me by myself, though he wouldn't admit it. I didn't mind him being there. The two of us had always been close growing up. "Want a smoke?" Tony asked, nudging me with his box of cigarettes. I shook my head, glancing down at my hands before sighing quietly. "What? Don't tell me you quit."

I smiled at my brother. "No shit! Good for you, sis!" I laughed. It grew quiet. "So, what're you gonna do?" He took a long drag from his cigarette and bit his lip, bringing his gaze to the large blue sky. "About. . . you know." This was Tony's way of asking me if I would be okay without Shawn.

And I was going to tell him I would be fine, that I didn't rely on people for my happiness, but that would have been the biggest lie I've ever told.

"Well," I started, "I guess I'll live my life. There's nothing I can do, really."

"You know, sis," Tony put out his cigarette and put it out on the roof, tossing it near the ledge, "you're really brave. You should know that." And I shook my head, looking over at my brother. I didn't let a tear fall, because I had to be strong. I had to be strong for all those times Shawn wasn't. "I'm not brave, Tony. I'm fucking terrified."

And it was in that moment I decided not cursing was bullshit. I always figured if I didn't curse then I wouldn't be as messed up as the rest of my family. But I was already messed up. I was messed up because I lived in a car for the first ten years of my life, because I was raising my siblings like they were my children, and because I was such an awful friend to someone who meant so damn much to me.

"Think he knows I miss him?" I whispered, biting my lip roughly after letting out a nervous chuckle.

"Yeah, Grace, I do." Tony wrapped an arm around my shoulders as I began breathing and breathing out. I wouldn't cry. I wouldn't let myself cry because inside that house were three children who would cry if I cried. And I wasn't going to do that to my family.

"Hey," my head snapped up at the sound of a man's voice. My eyes grazed over the grass below me and saw that Mr. Mendes stood with a box in his hands, looking up at me and my brother.

"What the hell do you want?" My teeth were clenched as Mr. Mendes attempted to hold the box out to me. "What is that?" I asked, a cruel look on my face as the man I hated stood before me.

"I found this in Shawn's room. I was going to throw it out but I saw it had your name on it, and it seems pretty important, so," he held out his hand that enclosed the small cardboard box. I couldn't have snatched it from him quicker.

"You can kindly fuck off, now, thanks." Tony spoke up for me as I ripped off the tape on the surface of the box. My name was written on the cardboard in a blue sharpie, a messy scrawl, as if Shawn was in a rush.

Mr. Mendes walked away as I dug through the box for a note, something to tell me what Shawn placed in the box meant. I looked to Tony in disbelief. "It's just tapes." Tony furrowed his brows and watched as I emptied the box next to me. "Tony, I don't have a cassette player."

He bit his lip as his hands grazed over one tape in particular, marked with his own name, Tony. "I think I have something to play these on. Wait here." So I waited for my brother's return, only thinking about what could possibly be on all these tapes.

They were all marked off with various names of people Shawn and I had encountered together. There was one for each of my siblings, one for his father, even for his mother. There were also a few for his small group of friends who he spoke to at school, and I swore that I would deliver the right tape to each person carefully.

Tony came back with a beat up cassette player and some earphones. He sat down next to me and we decided to play Tony's tape first. We pressed play and waited. "I don't exactly know how to start this, but I do know you're one hell of a brother. You treat Gracie with so much respect, and you protect her like she protects you."

My heart ached at the sound of Shawn's voice. I wouldn't cry.

"And I know she's probably listening with you right now, so, I'll say this: hi beautiful." And then I cried. I threw my hand over my mouth and sobbed as loud as I possibly could. Tony paused the tape and let me cry until I felt better.

After several silent minutes, Tony spoke up: "I remember, when we were younger and I couldn't sleep, you would stop everything and climb into bed with me and sing me to sleep. You know who does that? A fucking amazing person. And I hate seeing you cry, and I know Shawn would, too." I smiled at Tony and hugged him tight. "So don't cry, sis, you're too pretty to cry."

"I-I love you, Tony, I really fucking love you guys."

"We love you, too. Now do you want to keep listening or should we stop?"

"I need to hear what he has to say."

So Tony pressed play and kept his arms around me, and we both sat in the cold and listened to Shawn's soothing voice. "Gracie is so lovely, and she's so goddamn strong. Way stronger than me. And that's why this is so hard, but I know it's right and she'll understand."

I don't understand.

"She is everything to me, and it would mean the world to me if you looked after her. Please, look after her, Tony, she deserves the world and I could only give her a small portion. Make sure she finds someone who is willing to offer her everything and so much more.

"Also, make sure to tell her I'm sorry, and that I don't mean to cause her any pain. God, if she cries, I-I don't know what I'd do." Shawn paused, making noise in the background with what sounds like the strings of a guitar. "I'm so sorry I put you both through this." His voice was quiet, and I felt my tears beginning to form on my lash line.

"Tony, dude, you've always been like a brother to me. And I told you all that shit about my mom and her new family and you said, 'fuck it, man, she's not worth your time,' and you're so fucking right. You're the brother I never had, and for that I am so grateful. It's up to you to protect Gracie, and the rest of your siblings. And I'm truly sorry I'm not there to help you.

"So here's to the times I wish I didn't have to miss, and here's to your wicked family. You guys kick ass." The tape stopped, and I was almost positive my heart did, too.

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two more chapters and then a bonus chapter my babies
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