Sunlight, sunlight, sunlight

2

Sometimes, Buck is like the sun that comes out after rain. Not that warm after all the cold, but it still reminds you that there's light in the world.

And on days like this, when Eddie feels like he can't find the will to get out of bed, having Chris and Buck helps.

Recovery is a long and painful process, and it isn't a straight line. His physical injuries might be healed, leaving nothing but a white scar, but the trauma of the shooting has left its mark on his mind.

The good days outnumber the bad ones, thankfully. But there are days he wakes up feeling like his body isn't his. When he wakes up with red in his vision and gunshots in his ears.

He always calls Buck, texts if he doesn't really know what to say.

Because Buck shoulders the weight of the world with him. He's always there when Eddie needs him, dropping everything to be by his side.

So when Buck comes over barely ten minutes after Eddie texts him, he's not surprised.

He hears Buck talk to Chris, the passing of time hazy in his mind. He zones back in when he hears a knock on his bedroom door.

Buck leans in, hair product free and curling at the temples.

"Hey Eds." He says, his expression worried.

"Chris?" Eddie croaks out. His voice sounds terrible even to his own ears.

"He's had waffles and Carla is taking him to school." Buck comes a bit closer into the room. "Want to eat something and watch TV or would you rather me bring you something here?"

And Eddie's so grateful that Buck doesn't pry, just offers him comfort. They end up eating in front of the TV, and although the crushing feeling of fear doesn't leave Eddie completely, he feels a tad lighter watching Buck try to make out the plot of the shitty day time TV series they found. But it doesn't take long before Eddie's mind is wandering, back to the dark tunnels filled with gunshots and blood sprayed across his best friend's face.

After a while, Buck sets down his plate, food only half finished, and turns towards Eddie.

"You wanna talk about what triggered you?" Buck asked, fidgeting with his own fingers.

Eddie said "no" quickly. Too quickly. But Buck didn't call him out on it, just picking up the controller and looking for something on Netflix.

The shooting is still a sore topic, even though it has been almost two years now. And he knows Buck won't push him until he feels ready.

And they have addressed this several times, over many sleepless nights where all Eddie needed was to see Buck. They talked about it for hours on end,  and cried into each other's shoulders. But there's always details that Eddie doesn't bring up.

Like how the first thought that went through his head when that bullet pierced his shoulder wasn't for himself but for Buck. How he couldn't breathe, not because of the pain radiating from his wound but from the thought that his best friend got shot right in front of his eyes. How the last thought that passed through his muddled brain before he passed out was regret that he didn't tell Buck he loved him and relief that he's alright and knowing that he'll care for Christopher.

And when he wakes up in a panic, the image of Buck bloodied and lying on the open streets of LA, with a bullet hole in his head, all Eddie wants is for Buck to be right there in his arms, so he can hear his heartbeat under his ear and confirm for himself that his best friend is safe and breathing still.

And Buck comes to him, no matter the time of the day. Eddie is grateful to have him in his life and he wonders how he existed so long without him by his side. He'd hate doing anything that has even the slightest chance of compromising what they have.

So the last thing he wants is to talk about it. But Buck is back to throwing himself in danger, like didn't hand him his heart on a silver platter. Eddie doesn't understand how he can be reckless with his own life when he has Chris and Eddie to come home to. Did he not understand what he means to them?

"Actually," he says, before making a conscious decision to do so. "We need to talk."

He can feel Buck tense up beside him, pressed together as they are. He reaches out and wraps his fingers around Buck's wrist, squeezing once in reassurance. A little bit of the tension bleeds out of Buck, and Eddie smiles gently.

He takes a deep breath, preparing for the conversation to come.

"It's about the stunt you pulled last month."

"Eddie -"

"You almost died, Buck." He says, his voice threatening to break. "I thought - I thought we weren't going to find in time, not under all the rubble."

"But I made it." Buck says softly, as if talking to a skittish animal. "I'm here."

"That doesn't change the fact that you almost didn't!" Says Eddie, frustrated that Buck won't see why this affects him so much. "I - We almost you and you act like it didn't even matter. Don't you see how much we want you here? Did you even think how it would affect Chris if one day you just didn't come back?" How it would affect me?

"I didn't think you feel that way."

"You didn't - how else would you interpret the will Buck? I gave you a reason to come home in one piece and you still act like your life doesn't matter." Eddie doesn't even have the energy to feel angry, his tone exhausted.

"I thought I was supposed to be plan B." Buck says, confused.

Eddie looks at him with wide eyes. "You're not plan B. I put you in my will so I know that not only Chris will be taken care of, but you too. I want you both to have someone to anchor you to the ground if it comes to the worst. But I also meant to put you as an undeniable part of my family. So you have tangible proof that I trust you, that you mean a lot to me."

It close, so uncomfortably close to a confession. Eddie feels his heart trying to beat out of his chest as he raises his gaze to meet Buck's. He's not really surprised to find Buck's eyes shiny with unshed tears.

"I-" Buck seems to give up on words, just pulling him in to a hug. Eddie practically melts into the warm embrace.

He knows he said what he needs to say, and only hopes that everything will turn out okay in the end. That Buck takes it to heart and comes back to them.