Fools ; Eternal Summer

part one

'in the summer, the days were long, stretching into each other. out of school, everything was paused and yet happening at the same time. this collection of weeks when anything was possible'

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I had gotten up early this morning, it's almost 8:30, and I'm sure I'm the only one awake currently. After Caspar and I's talk yesterday when he had called Mum, we all decided it would be best for me to move back in with her today. It's sudden of course, and that's why I'm up this early, well early for me anyway, but I barely got any sleep last night. I was up thinking entirely about everything and anything in-between. I want so badly to have a fresh start with moving back to Birmingham. Ever since our parents divorce, I just wanted to get away from my mum and dad as soon as I could to go and live with Caspar. Theodora is off living her life, Caspar was living his and I felt like I was stuck in-between finding myself and living my life for others. I'll still been feeling like this time and time again and I'm sick of it. I'm tired of playing by life's rules, it's overrated.

I had already finished packing everything besides what I need to leave, and a little more..
I looked over at my tray, I had 2 small bags left of it. I was debating hard last night if I wanted it to be the end of using, but then I asked Kira for another bag right after. It is one thing that I won't let take over my summer. The person I became from hanging out with Kira and her crowd is someone I really don't like. I feel dirty, and like a bum, like I could be doing soo many other things than sitting around, getting high, and fucking random dudes for that high. Thinking about it last night, I was like what the fuck? I was at rock bottom at that point and I can't even say I've gotten out of it yet either. Joe still has no idea what I did to get this coke, what I did just because and I hate myself for that but let's just label me as one thing, I'm a hypocrite. I broke up with him and treated him like shit for sleeping with one girl, when I've slept with three guys in the last two months. It's fucking disgusting. I keep checking my phone in hopes that time will go by fast just so I can get the hell out of here.

The first thing I need to do is unfortunately, break things off with Joe. Again. Not only will I be 2 hours away from him, but he won't be living with Caspar again for long, soon he'll be returning back to rehab and won't be able to leave. With visitation, I don't have a car of my own, taking a train back and forth each time for a few times out of the weeks, it just would be too hard. It's not even just about the distance for me. I'm really messed up, I'm around drugs constantly, dating a person in rehab for alcohol addiction, that's wrong of me. And I've cheated, I've dragged his name through the mud and pretended he didn't exist. Joe never did and never will deserve something like that. It's best for me to end it again and have us get back together when I'm a better person in all honesty. A better person for him and me, I just hope he understands. 
I felt my phone vibrate, a text from Caspar had come through, mum was going to be here in about another hour or so. I let out a sigh of relief realizing it gives me time to have the conversation I need with Joe. I gathered myself before heading down the hall to Joe's room. I felt someone grab my arm and quickly pulled me to the side.

"Hey." Caspar said, "Someone's here to see you." A giant smile appeared on his face, I gave him a confused look before peering into the living room. I saw Zoe and Alfie standing around the island, I instantly shared the giant smile with Caspar.
"Oh my goodness! Guys?!" I fast-walked over, holding my arms out wide for a hug. Zoe turned and squealed, she went in for my hug. "Hi! Oh, my, it's been so long." I said and gave her a squeeze.
"I know! It's been a couple of months really." She told me as we pulled away. I went in to hug Alfie next.
"Hi Alfie." I gave him a gentle squeeze before pulling away, he smiled faintly.
"It's been so crazy Cate, we've been traveling everywhere, meeting in-laws, just groups and groups of people for the wedding, and we had went on one more vacation as a non-married couple." She winked then laughed. "Phew, but now we're home for a little while, doing some more prep and then we're off for a little longer until we come back for the big day!" She told me, I gave them a big smile.
"It sounds eventful and exciting." She smiled. "I'm so happy for you guys and I cannot wait until everything comes together for the big day."
"Me either, when everything comes to a halt and I walk down the isle to him," She bumped Alfie playfully, he grinned at her. "It'll all be worth it." She leaned up to kiss him on the cheek.
"You guys are soo adorable." Caspar put in jokingly.
"Oh shush Casp, your time will come." I joked back to him, we all laughed.
"We can always hope." Zoe added, I smirked at her, she rolled her eyes playfully. She intertwined her arm with mine and we started walking out to the back balcony. "So I heard your moving back to your moms today?" She asked, I nodded.
"Yeah, she'll be here in another hour or sooner." I told her, we had made it outside to the balcony, we let go of arms and leaned against the ledge.
"How do you feel?"
"I'm alright. I'm kind of ready to go in all honesty."
"Need a fresh start huh?" She asked, she nudged me with a smile.
"God yes." I laughed. "Everything just started going downhill with me when Lilah and I had broken up. And I'm going to learn because I need to, but to not keep blaming others for my mistakes and downfalls. Lilah's out living her life, not even thinking of me, I can't keep blaming her for the way I am. But initially it did stem from that." I told her, she nodded and began rubbing my back.
"Exactly. I'm proud of you for thinking so, you can't always hold one person accountable over the other, I'm sure there were things you could've done to mend your guys' relationship or helped it before it fell apart." I nodded. "But I can see your side, breakups are tough and they really do take a toll on the people involved, you start to feel like you've lost a bit of control in your life."
"Zo, ugh this is why I love talking to you. How do you literally know exactly what to say?" She smiled. "Take the words right out of my mouth."
"Because it's true, I've been there and I can totally understand how you feel. I think this will be good for you, to go your mom's because it honestly, really is a fresh start. You can try to forget about what had happened here, everything you went through since you got here. The bad parts I mean." She told me.
"Oh yeah for sure, the good I will hold onto. But I'd give everything to let go of the hurt that's built up since I got here. Things are so different from when I first arrived."
"That's just the way it goes Cate, some things never stay the same. All we can do is hope they do."
"I just really loved her Zo." I said, she frowned.
"I know you did. I saw the way you two would look at each other." I shot her a frown back. "And please don't take this the wrong way, but if you still loved her, why did you get back together with my brother?"
"Because I really loved him too." I told her, she placed her hand on-top of mine and gently squeezed, it was quiet for a second. "I still do Zo, don't think that I don't."
"I know, I know. I believe you do love and care for him, god knows he feels the same way, we can all see it. We just can't forget when you guys first broke up that you said you didn't think you fell in love with him, so I can't help but to think that he may love you more than you love him." She said.
"He might, Joe feels really strongly about me. He thinks so highly of me, that I could literally save the world in a heartbeat." She laughed faintly. "He knows that I couldn't." I joked.
"Do you still love her?" She asked.
"No." I didn't hesitate for once, I felt relieved for my own sake.
"Wow that was quick." She laughed.
"For once I can actually say that and mean it though, I'm not in love with her anymore."
"Good. So you love my brother and want to be with him?"
"I do, but not right now.." I said softly.
"Cate, again? Playing with this man's heart at this point." She laughed.
"No stop, don't say that." I laughed and covered my face. "Oh god, you must hate me." She laughed again.
"Shush, no I don't. Listen, I've told you before and I'll say it again, what happens between you and my brother is none of my business. Sure I look out for his best interest, but you're also one of my best friends. If it's meant to be, you guys will find your way back once again but if it's not, then at least it was ended prematurely so no one gets any more hurt." She told me, I nodded my head and sighed in relief.
"Good, that's a relief. I know I'm so flip-floppy but it doesn't mean I don't care for him." I said, she smiled.
"I know, that's why I'm not worried." I smiled back at her and she pulled me into a side hug. Caspar came out and started walking a bit towards us.
"Mum will be here in about 20 minutes." He said and flashed a slight smile before walking back out.
"See, I knew she'd be coming earlier than she had said." I said to Zoe, she shrugged.
"Well I mean, you're ready aren't you?" She asked.
"Yeah, everything is packed, I just haven't had the chance to pull Joe aside and talk. I wanted to do any sort of 'break-up' in person, it's not right to do it over email or text."
"Agreed. Well go and see if he's awake to chat, I'll be here still when you go to leave." She said.
"I would expect you to be here for a goodbye." I smirked at her, she smiled.
"Well of course." We both laughed once more before I walked back into the house. I made my way straight to Joe's room, he was sitting on his bed, drying his hair off from a shower.

"Hey." I said, he turned and instantly smiled.
"Hi." He replied, he patted the spot next to him for me to sit. I went and sat down, I started fiddling with my fingers wondering how I should approach this conversation. "You alright?" He asked, he grabbed my hand, noticing I was antsy.
"Yeah, um. I just wanted to talk to you before I left." I told him, he nodded and gave my hand a squeeze. He threw the towel to a corner of his room and then we both turned to each other. "This isn't an easy conversation to have, I honestly hate that I have to anyway but it needs to be done."
"Cate, what is it? You're worrying me a bit."
"Well," I started. "As you know, going to my mom's again and moving 2 hours away, it'd be a fresh start for me...and you. It would be too hard to see each other all the time and-"
"Wait," He cut me off. "You don't think I'd travel that distance to see you?" He asked.
"No Joe, that's not the point. I know you would, but when you're back in rehab, you can't just leave. You only have visitation and with me not having a car of my own, it's not like I could drive and see you all the time. Taking the trains back and forth is too expensive and takes a lot more time when we wouldn't get that long." He nodded, staying quiet. "I also just need help Joe, you know this. I'm not the best person right now, especially compared to how I was when I got here, I need to find myself again and I can't drag you down with me."
"You wouldn't Cate." He squeezed my hand again, I sighed.
"But I would Joe. I do drugs, you know it, I know it, I have a drug problem. I can't do that around someone who is in rehab, let alone even talk about it because I just feel like shit doing that to you. You've worked so hard to become clean and have a better mindset, I can't bring you around drugs Joe."
"But I don't mind." I sighed heavily and got up, I crossed my arms as I paced around the room a bit. "Really, I don't."
"Joe but I do!" I said sternly. "It's fucked up and you know it. I'm not going to bring triggers in and possibly unwillfully get you to relapse. I won't have it." He stood up and walked over to me, he stopped me from pacing by grabbing my arms.
"So what about us?" He asked.
"There's still an us, just we can't be us for a while." He squeezed me. "Ow, Joe that hurts." He kept squeezing again for a moment. "Ow Joe, let go of me!" I yelled, he then took his hands off me and sighed.
"I'm sorry." He said followed by a sigh.
"It's okay." I told him, he nodded and went back to sit on the bed.
"I just feel so lead on. Once again it's like you gave me hope this would work and now you're quitting me again."
"Don't okay? I want to be with you, I love you."
"How can you say that? Why am I never enough for you to be with me if you love me?" He asked, his voice started to raise.
"You are! You are enough." I said, I could feel tears forming in my eyes and I could see them in his.
"No Cate, I'm not. Just face it, since the first time we broke up, you haven't wanted me since then even with being with me."
"That's not true." He rolled his eyes. "Joe it's not!"
"Well I call bullshit!" He shouted, he shot up from the bed and got in-front of me again, I took a step back because he looked rather scary. "You fell out of love with me a long time ago and you've tried and tried to make yourself fall back in love with me and you can't." He told me.
"No Joe! That's not it! Why aren't you listening to me?!" I shouted back, matching his volume.
"Because I've done enough listening! It's the same shit every time Cate and I'm tired of believing you every single time."
"Joe I-"
"Can you just shut the fuck up for one second?!" He yelled, I stepped back again as he got closer. "Jesus Christ, like let someone else fucking talk for once." I gave him the motion with my hands for him to continue. "I'm honestly done Cate. Like I don't think I even want to get back together after this. I'm going to try my hardest to get over you, and you should do the same." He went quiet for a second.
"Joe, please." I said softly.
"No Cate. You've played me like a fool this entire time. I was a fool to ever believe we could make it, that we belonged together."
"But we do!"
"We don't Cate, it's never going to work. I was a FOOL for EVER falling in love with you!"
"You're not a fool. Joe that hurts."
"I don't care Cate!! I've been hurt enough by you. I'm done making a fool out of myself for the love I have for you. And I will no longer stand by and let you continue playing with my heart because it's in an inconvenience of your time whenever you feel like it."
"Joe, I'm doing this for us! Can't you see that?!"
"I can't see anything besides the fact that we don't work Cate and never will." At this point we were both choking in between our sobs.
"Please Joe, I'll do anything!"
"Fine." He paused again for a second which gave me some bit of hope, I wiped my tears and tried to gather myself.

"Do me a favor, and move on."

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