Fools ; Eternal Summer

part seven

--
I kept checking the time, it was almost 6pm. Mom's supposed to be home soon and I'm still sitting here waiting for Sydney to show up. She had to do the whole two hour train ride just to get here from wherever she's coming from. I have no idea what to tell mom if she gets here before Sydney does. I was tapping my leg and taking frequent peeks outside of the window. I'm sure it won't be an issue that she comes here to visit, but at the same time I just moved back in. I don't want to already feel like I'm intruding on my mom's personal space. A few more minutes passed and a shuttle had shown up in front of the driveway. I sighed with relief and went out to greet Sydney. I stood a bit by the porch before I met her halfway.

"Hiii." She said as she held out her arms for a hug. I hugged her tightly and it felt like the first time I was ever hugging her ever. I haven't felt secure with Sydney in a while.
"Heyy." I replied as we let go of each other.
"Thank you so much for letting me come." I looked down to her sides and completely missed the fact that she had a couple of bags with her. "I hope it's okay..do you think I'd be able to stay here for a while?" She asked, I felt a bit of panic come over me but awkwardly shut it down.
"Um, sure! Why not?" I said with a light laugh, she smiled at me. "I just have to find something to say to my mom. She doesn't know you were even planning to just visit for a few. I haven't talked to her much today." I told her.
"Aw, I'm sorry. I don't want to intrude. I've just been staying at university since summer started and it's been pretty lonely." She told me. "When you emailed me, it wasn't like I saw a chance to have some place to stay. But I honestly missed you so much and just hoped it'd work out." I smiled and did a little puppy dog face at her.
"I missed you too." We went in for another hug. "I'm so sorry for everything Syd. Seriously." I said.
"It's okay, foreal. I haven't been that good of a friend either. This will give us a chance to start over." She said with a smile as we pulled away.
"I'm glad you're even giving me a chance." I smiled back at her. We bent down to grab her bags and started heading inside. "Here come on, let's get these up to my room."

As soon as we set down her bags on the floor, I heard the front door open and the click of my mom's heels on the floor.

"Cate! I'm home sweetheart." She yelled from the bottom of the stairs, I could hear her walk away.
"Okay uh, so could you come down there with me?" I asked Sydney, she nodded and we headed down together.
"Hey mum." I said as we walked into the dining room, she was sitting at the table already. "You work too hard mum." I told her as she opened her laptop.
"I know, I know but the day's never finished when you get-" She started as she turned towards me, Sydney was standing next to me. "Home." She finished. "Sydney hi." She said as she got up and went to hug her.
"Hi Emily, how are you? You look great." Sydney said as they pulled away.
"I'm doing just fine," Mom smiled at her. "Yourself?"
"I've been better definitely." Sydney told her. "But I'm doing alright."
"Um Mum, would it be okay if Sydney stayed here for a bit?" I asked.
"I'm sorry it's short notice, Cate didn't have anything to do with it and I'd help out around-"
"Sydney, it's okay. Yes, I would be delighted to have you stay. You'll be able to keep Cate company around the house while I'm so caught up in my work." She told us, she sat back down at the laptop and began typing.
"Are you sure Mum?" I asked her again.
"Yes, it's no problem." She replied, she flicked her wrist in ease. I felt relief come over me. Sydney and I exchanged excitable looks at each other.
"Thank you so much Emily." Sydney said.
"Yes. Thanks Mum." I said also. She didn't reply after that so we walked off to go back up to my room. We sat crisscross facing each other on my daybed by the window.

"I'm so happy she was okay with me staying." I nodded with a smile. "It's only until university starts back up if that's alright with you, I hope you don't get sick of me." She joked.
"No of course not, I'm sure we might get annoyed with each other at one point but I'm glad you're able to stay too. Makes this summer a whole lot better." She smiled back at me. "But, if you don't mind me asking, why here? And why have you been staying at University? Something going on with your parents?" I asked her, she let out a sigh and held her head up against the window with her palm.
"No, um. So my parents thought I'd be with Ethan this summer, so they planned a trip of their own. Things unfortunately didn't work out between Ethan and I, so I stayed behind."
"And he just left you there?" I asked her, surprised.
"Not exactly. He begged me to go with him, the plan was to stay at his parents lake house this summer. I turned it down for a reason. But um, then he offered to stay behind with me but I didn't want him to miss his trip soo he left." She told me. "I didn't want to go home because it'd be no different than staying at university, regardless I'd still be pretty lonely."
"Oh wow, I'm sorry Syd. What was the reason if you don't mind me asking?"
"No it's fine, that's actually what I wanted to talk to you about. The thing I needed to get off my chest before we start over and I really hope this doesn't change anything between you and I."
"I promise it won't." I told her, she gave me a faint smile.
"It wasn't because I didn't want to go with Ethan, especially to his parents lake house, god it's huge. But um, it was actually more serious than that." I was intrigued.
"Okay.. go on."
"We actually broke up. Well I broke up with him." My jaw dropped. "I told him that I'm in love with someone else."
"Oh god, it's not me, is it?" I joked again.
"Don't flatter yourself." We both laughed. "It's- and please don't hate me," I rolled my eyes at her. "It's Lilah." She said. I picked my jaw back up and then dropped it again.
"Wow really?" I asked her, she gave me a cringe face and nodded her head.
"Yes. I wanted to tell you before your mom came home so that way if it changed anything and you didn't want me to stay, there wouldn't have been any issues."
"Syd, stop with that, you're family."
"Are you mad at me though? I'm not sure how you feel about her anymore and I just- I didn't mean for it to happen."
"I'm not mad. I don't know exactly how I feel, really all I want right now is to be to myself. I'm not in love with her anymore but I'll always have love for her in my heart. You can't help who you fall in love with Syd. So, no I'm not mad."
"I don't really know what else to say." She said with a sigh. I flashed her a reassuring smile.
"Don't worry about it okay? We don't have to talk about it anymore if you don't want." I told her.
"I could talk about it for hours truly." She said jokingly. I laughed slightly, she sighed once more. "But, you're right. Let's talk about something else." She offered, I nodded in agreement. "So, what sparked the sudden change in basically your whole life?" She laughed.
"I don't know. I just felt like I regained consciousness in my like actual being and I found that I have a lot to fix within myself." She nodded. "I've hurt a lot of people recently. I know I've said that so many times and just how I want to be a better person, but that change won't happen if I don't actually make change."
"Exactly. Actions speak real louder than words. Which is why I felt like I was okay enough to come here. I felt like you really meant what you said, it was different from the rest of your apologies. No offense."
"None taken, seriously. I feel like I've actually come-to. I've been so lost and I create chaos wherever I go. Most are entirely self-inflicted." I told her.
"What was the moment you realized?" I sighed deeply, it took a second before I responded.
"When Caspar wanted me out of his house."
"Is that how you ended up here? Not going to lie, I was a bit curious on how you ended up back at your moms, I just didn't want to bring up any issues."
"It's okay. Um, yeah. After I left University, I didn't stay on-top of my coursework. And actually, I'm probably not graduating with you next year. I'm really far behind." I said.
"No way! Really? That's definitely not going to happen, luckily I'm here to help now."
"Yeah. But there's one problem I don't think you can fix for me." She gave me a puzzling look. I sighed, then walked over to my dresser. Opened my top drawer and pulled out my tray. I sat back down next to her and put it in-front of us.
"Don't tell me.." She began, I nodded slowly. "Cate, no."
"I met this girl shortly after I stopped showing in for school. I would wander around the neighborhood, and we just somehow met, It's a hazy story with that one. But I started hanging around with her and her friends. I made some really poor choices, Caspar found out and he wanted me gone. It was his last straw."
"I mean can you blame him? Jesus. Even I didn't think you were capable of getting into drugs."
"Yeah, me neither." I said softly.
"I'm sorry."
"You don't need to be sorry." I said.
"But I do, I should have been there for you, I could've helped or stopped you."
"That's the thing though. I don't want to stop, it's the only thing that makes me feel okay."
"Cate that's just the drugs talking, they're feeding off of you. Leaving you wanting more even though that's not the answer."
"Well what am I supposed to do?!" I got up and started pacing around the room. "What's left for me?! When I've fucked up so badly. I ruined my future, I fucked over the people I love. I stole money from him for these fucking drugs!" I ran my fingers through my hair aggressively. "For a while it's all I fucking had and no one gets how much I wish I could undo my entire last year of my stupid fucking life. It makes me feel like I have an out. Like I can be a better person for once." Sydney got up and wrapped her arms around me, I started to break down in tears.
"Shh, it's okay." She walked me back to the daybed to sit down, she held me until I could remotely gather myself. "Cate, you don't need drugs to become a better person."
"What else do I have." I looked at her, I could see her tearing up.
"You have me." I looked back down at the ground. "You have your mom. Caspar would never turn a blind eye to you, he may be mad right now but he's still here for you. Zoe, Alfie, Joe. We're all here for you."
"I just want to rip my fucking skin off and become a new person." I started scratching at my arms in frustration.
"Stop, don't do that." She pulled my hands away. She interlocked one of my hands with hers.
"They're what made me write my letter to you. You wouldn't have come if I didn't."
"Shh, stop."
"Syd, I slept with random guys for it. I didn't even know their god damn names." I started sobbing again. "I feel so disgusting. I feel so fucking disgusting." She held me a bit tighter, we were rocking back and forth. She kept shushing in my ear to calm me down.

We sat there for a little before she guided me to my bed. We laid down and got under the covers together. She scooted back over to me and continued to hold me.
"You just need some sleep, okay? I got you, don't worry." She said as she wiped away some tears from my cheeks.
"I wish I could just sleep forever."
"You don't mean that. Just close your eyes, go to sleep for now." She pulled me in closer, my head was in her chest. I looked up at her, we locked eyes, she smiled lightly at me. It was the last thing I saw before I drifted off to sleep.

---