Fools ; Eternal Summer

part three

~

I watched the cars pass by us on the highway, tears hit the palm of my hand that my head was resting on to the window. We still had another hour left of driving until we got back to my mum's house.

"Sweetie, are you okay?" She asked and placed her hand on my shoulder, I sniffled and wiped my tears away before sitting back up.
"Yeah I'm fine." I told her.
"Look, I know this change is going to be big for the both of us. It's been almost 2 years since you've been at home, but I want you to know that everything will be alright." I rolled my eyes, she noticed and I could see her frown. "I know it might not seem like it right now, but I promise you, something big is coming. Something amazing, you just have to give this chance." I looked over at her, I smiled faintly.
"I know Mum, it's just hard to pick myself up when I've been down for so long." I told her, she gave me another frown.
"I know sweetie, but this is a fresh start, to let go of your past and live in the present. You'll never feel better if you constantly think of the negative." I nodded. "You have to-"
"Mum, I get it. Could we just not talk about this anymore right now? I know it's a new start and honestly I'm so tired of hearing everyone say that. I just wish there was something else to talk about already." I told her.
"I'm just trying to help." She said, I frowned to myself, I felt bad.
"I'm sorry, thank you. I know you are. I'm just kind of tired of letting everyone help me, I need to do this on my own and in my own time." She rubbed my shoulder, it went quiet after that. I closed my eyes and tried to sleep the rest of the ride.

I opened my eyes as soon as I felt us pull into the driveway. 
"We're here love." She said softly. "Did you want me to help you with your things?" She asked, I shook my head no. She sighed before getting out and leaving me alone in the car. I looked around at my surroundings and took in the feeling of being back at home. I grabbed my purse from the floor of the car and unzipped a pocket, gazing at the bag of coke I had leftover. There was only a bit left in this bag and I had gotten another full bag from Kira before I left, she came over to say goodbye a little after I had spoken with Joe. I knew I'd be out for a while after this one was done and asked for some more just incase. I kept looking at the front door to see if she would step out or not, I felt a little paranoid already so I zipped the pocket back up. 

I kept hearing everyone's voices tell me "it's a new start", blah blah. I covered my ears. I so badly want to use this as a fresh start but nothing is different, everything is the same but worse now. No one understands what I'm feeling, let alone what's best for me. And if they did, I just constantly keep feeling like I'm doing everything for them instead. I started feeling sick to my stomach, I clenched my fists. I felt my throat start to tingle and I groaned because I knew what was coming. I opened the car door and instantly vomited on the concrete. I wiped my mouth and felt tears forming in my eyes, ugh I don't know what I'm feeling right now. 

Mom's house is right up-top of a steep road facing a valley. I could see the hill roll down in the backyard from the car, I contemplated so hard if I should just take off. I want so fucking much to run away and maybe this isn't the place I wanted to run to. I decided not to. Instead, I got out of the car and grabbed my things. I looked around on the porch of the neighborhood around me before going inside. I didn't even stop to talk to my mom who was sitting at the dining room table with her laptop, I walked straight upstairs to my room. I opened the door slowly and saw everything was exactly the same from when I left. It was disheartening but comforting at the same time. I threw my bags down on the side of my bed and flopped down. I kept looking around at the things I had in here, wondering what I could do to make this the present Cate's bedroom. This was the era of when I had left things off with Scott and decided to move to Caspar's for holiday, I didn't expect to not come back so I left things. I sighed and got up, I looked around at the pictures I had on my dresser and the coffee table I had. Some were Sydney and I which I didn't mind keeping, I smiled faintly when I saw them, our goofy poses.