🏎️| F1 one shots

I Finally Wanna Be Alive | Multi

Author's note please read before starting: this is probably one of the longest one shot's I've ever written but it's worth it. Since it's the last day of September, i decided to write a small motive in honor of suicide prevention month for whoever needs it. So To anyone having a rough time can come back to this and read it again. I hope to the person reading this, that you heal from things you don't talk about and your heart doesn't feel heavy everytime you wake up. If suicide ever crosses your mind don't hesitate to think twice about reaching out and helping yourself, you are loved more than you think and don't say otherwise to yourself because you never know what a person genuinely thinks about you. Ignore your overthinking and be kind to yourself always, i know it's hard but if you don't try you won't get anywhere. It's normal to feel tired most of the times physically and mentally so just know it's okay to feel out of place and confused. Give yourself a break once a while. I don't know you, but what i know is that things will get better over time so don't be afraid that you'll stay the way you are your whole life, you won't.

Songs suggested: please create this playlist BY ORDER before reading, do NOT shuffle (anchor by Novo Amor, Euphor by Novo Amor, listen before i go by billie eilish, jungle by emma louise, fourth of july by sufjan stevans, 1-800-273-8255 by logic, state lines by Novo Amor, you are enough by sleeping at last.)

Warnings: suicide, sh, anxiety attack, depression, swearing.

Y/n's POV:

6 years, 3 months and 14 days of torture. Since i was a kid i never once had a good day to breathe me some fresh air, some relaxation. Therapy sessions never helped me either, it was always a constant routine, like i was stuck in a time loop. Nothing ever lessened my pain whatever i did i always failed to bring myself out of my own misery. Traumatic experiences never left me and the heavy heart never stopped.

6 years, 3 months and 14 days since I've been diagnosed with depression, an illness I'd never wish upon anyone even my worst enemy. My parents were never kind either, i was an only and lonely child, never had friends around, never made some and never cared to anyway. I guess having distant parents always made me give strangers the cold shoulder. I was a walking human with an empty shallow wretched heart that felt no emotion but pain, pain, pain, pain. Hurt was the only emotion i felt but not from empathy no no no it's because i always felt numb to feel emotions. I never once felt genuine happiness , never once felt sympathy, never once cared even if i tried and the realization hit me everytime and i felt constant anger, sadness towards how unlucky i was to be put on this earth if i wasn't even going to enjoy it. Depression was an unexplainable feeling that no human being could ever describe because it's just..... There.

Helpless cries went to sleepless nights from unescaped, merciless headaches of overthinking, a never ending radio of suicidal thoughts and selfishness, never once a good compliment of desire towards myself, always a fucking cow, ugly fat person that never deserves love, worthless piece of shit that was never enough and could never do anything right. Why do i look like that.

Sleepless nights went to starvation. I'd be less of a pig if i just stopped eating. There's no point of taking care of myself anyway. ignore your hungry stomach, that's what i always told myself. Why do i look like that.

Starvation led to self harm. The piercing blade felt good, the fresh pooling blood felt satisfying, the burning sensation felt real. If i couldn't feel anything, maybe the lines could do otherwise. I became addicted and i knew it wasn't well for my being but it felt amazing i couldn't stop. Why do i look like that.