A/N
Hello, my beautiful smol beans! I'm sorry I've been away for so long. I've been pretty damn busy with school and other bullshit, and really stressed out. But I'm back, and I have a new chapter ready to go! I hope you're excited, but I also hope I haven't let you down by not updating in forever.
Story update: So I've decided to do third-person POV, rather than switching between the two, because, damn, it takes a lot of work and time that I don't really have right now. I may return to the old style soon, but I just wanted to alert you of this change so you don't go, "wtf is this bitch doing," like I do with so many people who change the style in the middle of their fics. So without further ado, I present to you Chapter 3 of Keeping Him Alive. Enjoy!
-hannascarlett
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"Stevie?" Bucky whispered as he walked into the living room, seeing Steve with his eyes closed on the couch, unsure if he was awake or not. Steve stirred slightly and opened his eyes.
"Hey, baby," he whispered back, smiling slightly. Bucky carefully picked up Steve's legs, sat down, then placed them on his lap. Steve's smile grew, which caused Bucky to smile.
"There it is," Steve said, now grinning.
"There what is?"
"That smile. Your smile. The beautiful one that I rarely see. The one that I love, that belongs to the one I love."
Bucky blushed. "It's nothing special..." He said shyly.
"No, no, no, don't give me that. It is special. It's so rare that you smile--truly smile--that when you do, God, I can't even describe that feeling. It's... It's magnificent."
Steve swung his legs off Bucky's lap and sat up, then leaned into Bucky, who put his arm around Steve.
"Stevie, you're all-around magnificent." Bucky said softly. "I love you so much, I do now, I did then, and I always will."
That was the one thing about back then that Bucky remembered--loving Steve so completely, but trying to play it off like he didn't.
Steve looked up at Bucky, tears of happiness in his eyes.
"God, Buck, I love you so much. So. Much. When I lost you... That was hell, utter hell. But then somehow I got a second chance and got you back."
And I almost killed you..., Bucky thought. "And everything is okay again. You make me okay, Buck. And I'm so fucking thankful for that. I'm so thankful for you." Steve finished, a few tears falling down his cheeks. Bucky was a goner. His face was soaked with tears and he was choking on his sobs.
Bucky wanted so badly just to pull away and leave. He was so afraid of hurting Steve on way or another. Hydra was still looking for him as far as he knew and he knew they would kill Steve in order to get to Bucky. Bucky still wanted to die, and he could hurt Steve by attempting again, and possibly succeeding, which as much as he liked to think he could control, he couldn't. Once he was in a suicidal minds eye, there was no keeping him from an attempt. Bucky wanted so badly to avoid hurting Steve, but he also loved him so completely, and love was something he didn't want to avoid. So instead of pulling away, Bucky pulled Steve closer and said, "I'm the thankful one."
***
He seemed so hesitant... Steve thought. Does he not actually love me?
Steve pushed that horrible, untrue, thought from his mind.
No, he's said it himself countless times that he loves you.
Steve leaned up and kissed him softly. Pulling away he whispered, "I'm never going to get tired of that." and smiled. Bucky returned the smile. "Neither will I, Stevie, Neither will I.
***
Natasha entered the apartment at around 7:00, accompanied by Clint.
"So what're the plans tonight, fellas?" She asked and plopped down on the couch. Clint sat down next to her and kissed her cheek. "Assassins don't slouch," he whispered, causing her to groan. Steve sat across from them, and Bucky was down the hall taking a shower.
Steve sighed. "Stark invited us over." He mumbled, knowing Bucky wouldn't come if they did go to Stark's. While under Hydra's control, Bucky had killed Howard and Maria-- Tony's parents-- and still couldn't face Tony after a year, because of the guilt.
Clint sighed as well. "He did.. But what about-" he said, stopping when Bucky walked into the room. He was dressed in a sweatshirt and sweatpants, hair pulled back, looking like he had no plans of going out.
Bucky avoided Clint's gaze and looked at Steve. "Stevie, I think I'm going to sit tonight out. I'm not feeling great. But you guys go have fun, okay?" He said, then looked at Clint and Nat, giving them a small smile, which they both returned. Steve took Bucky's hand, pulling his attention back to him. "Baby, if you're sick, I don't want you to have to be alone.."
"Steve, I'll be just fine. I'm going to go to bed. Please just go have some fun." He pleaded and Steve gave in.
"Okay..." He said, and Bucky immediately left the room, making Steve suspicious. "One sec," he said to Nat and Clint and followed Bucky down the hall. Steve found him sitting on the floor, back against the wall, knees to his chest, and head in his hands. He was crying and you could hear the choked back sobs. Steve sat down next to him and carefully pulled him into his lap.
"Baby..." He whispered. "What happened?"
But Bucky was crying to hard to reply. He his his face in Steve's shirt and sobbed until he couldn't anymore.
After about 20 minutes, Bucky had stopped crying, but was still in Steve's arms. Steve was gently rubbing his back, and whispering, "Shh, it's okay.." over and over. "I just.. I can't face Stark.." Bucky whispered after awhile.
"Baby, we weren't going to go to Stark's unless you wanted to," Steve said, kissing the top of his head. Bucky nodded. "I-I was just thinking about facing him, and I just c-can't do it..."
"Well you won't have to," Steve whispered.
About an hour later, the four had just decided to postpone their monthly date night and Nat and Clint had left. Bucky and Steve were laying on the couch, Bucky asleep in Steve's arms. Steve played with the ends of Bucky's hair. "I wish I could fix everything for you.." He whispered. Then he heard someone chuckle from inside the apartment.
"I bet you're really going to want to fix this for him," the mysterious voice said, and then everything went dark.
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I really hope that was worth the wait... The ending was just a spur of the moment thing, but I think I have it figured out on how it'll unfold. I hope to have another chapter up tomorrow night, or even later tonight (early tomorrow morning), but we'll see how it goes. All right, my smol beans, that concludes Chapter 3!
-hannascarlett
