Married, on paper.

60. Healing together

I had put Oliver to bed. Mya had not woken up again so he would give her his painting in the morning... It was a beautiful painting and i know it would cheer Mya up immensely. He had said goodnight to Mya's sleeping form by giving her a kiss on her cheek and telling her he loved her... It took everything in me to not break down right then and there... This kid... My kid... Our kid... Knew how to pull on your heartstrings. She had not woken up by all that either... But i wondered if she really had been sleeping all this time because her face showed signs of crying... Her cheeks were tear stained... Can you cry in your sleep? I thought to myself... It pained me to see her like this. I just wished i could take all the pain away...

I take the dogs for a last walk and as i walk back inside i close up the house... The dogs go to Oliver's room crawling into bed with him. I feel exhausted... Today has been emotional and i feel drained... The fear of losing Mya... The fact we lost a baby... It was emotionally exhausting. All i want to do is go to bed and sleep... That is not true... All i want is to cuddle with Mya but i am scared to hurt her... That was the last thing i wanted... To hurt her even more...

But to my surprise Mya is sitting upright in bed when i walk in... "Hey, you are awake..." I whisper and she gives me a little smile... "Sorry..." She whispers and i shake my head walk over to her and give her a soft kiss... "Dont be sorry baby, you just had surgery... You need your rest..." I say and she looks at her hands that are laying in her lap... 

I kiss her forehead and walk to the dresser grabbing some sweats and get changed... "Chris?" She whispers as i pull my shirt over my head throwing it in the laundry basket... "Yes baby?" I ask and she sighs... "Can i ask you something?" She says and i look at her and smile... "You can ask me anything you want..." I say and she takes a deep breath... "Do you think it is weird to be sad about losing something you didn't knew you had... Something that never would become what it should..." She whispers and i sigh... 

I quickly get out of my pants and put on my sweats before walking over to her and kissing her cupping her face with both hands... "No... Not at all... I am sad to..." I whisper and she looks up at me with those big beautiful green eyes... The sadness in them is killing me... "You are?" She says clearing her throat and i nod... "Yes baby... Of course, i am... Even if the pregnancy was not viable... It was our baby... Part of you and me..." I whisper and a tear runs down her cheek... 

"I was so scared..." She whispers and i wipe away the tears with my thumb... "I know baby, i was to... I hated seeing you in so much pain... But i can't imagine how scared you must have been..." I mumble and she sighs... "Sorry..." She mumbles again and i shake my head... "Stop saying sorry... You have nothing to be sorry for... It was nothing you did... Your body made a little mistake... There was nothing you could have done... It is just one of those things... You are a doctor... You know that..." I say giving her a reassuring smile...

"I know... The rational part of my brain knows... But my mind is all over the place... My rational and emotions dont line up..." She mumbles and i sigh crawling into bed next to her... "It is okay... It is okay to feel confused... I mean we got told you are pregnant and that it was not viable in a matter of seconds..." I mumble laying down holding out my arm for her so she could carefully cuddle into me... "Easy..." I whisper as her face contorts from pain... She ignores it and lays her head on my chest...

"Can i ask you something?" I whisper and she looks up at me a small soft smile forming on her lips... "Always..." She whispers and i smile back... "Were you happy... Even if it was for a split second before finding out it was not going to be full term..." I murmur and she nods... "It is complicated... Would i have been happy... Yes... Of course, i would... Beside the pain so many things ran through my mind at that moment... I felt so stupid because of all the things running through my mind, on what it could be... That was not one of it... I am on birth control... And before i could even wrap my hand around it he told us that... That the baby..." She says taking in a shaky breath as she could not bring herself to say it...

"Shhhh... It is okay... You are going to be okay... We are going to be okay..." I murmur and kiss the top of her head... "It hurts Chris..." She whispers and i lessen my grip on her thinking i had hurt her... "No not that..." She whispers and wraps my arm around her tighter... "My heart hurts... I know that the baby was never going to be full term... But we lost a baby..." She whispers and i sigh... "I know..." I mumble and kiss the top of her head again... "I know we had not planned for it... But it hurts... How can losing something you did not know you had, hurt so much..." She whispers tears streaming down her face... "Because it would have been so welcome... Because we would love that baby so much... Just like we do Oliver..." I whisper a tear now running down my cheek to. I try to stay strong, but it is getting harder and harder....

 I just hold her as she quietly sobs... It breaks my heart and i can't say that it doesn't hurt because she is right... We lost a baby... But i want to be strong for her... We have to grieve the fact that we lost a baby... A baby neither one of us knew we had... Neither one of us had planned for... but we both agreed would have been so welcome and loved...

"Thank you..." She whispers and i look at her confused... "For what?" I ask and she sighs... "For being there... I dont know how i would have handled it on my own..." She mumbles and i smile... "Of course... I will always be there for you... Forever... No matter what... You are my family... I would do anything for you... You never have to deal with anything alone again..." I whisper and she plants a kiss on my chest... 

"I love you..." She whispers and i feel the tears come... ""I love you to baby girl... I dont know what i would have done if i had lost you..." I whisper and she lift her head... "You dont have to... I am not going anywhere..." She says and kisses me wiping the tears that are now streaming down my face... 

We settle in neither one of us saying another word... I think we are both just emotionally exhausted. I can feel both of our bodies start to relax and soon her breathing slows down and she is asleep again...