no woman's land

FORWARD HAIBUN

if we move forward
          i must forget everything
i tried to outlive

and verily everything that tried to kill me will try to kill me again. i will be commanded to forget every weapon and every wound and i will obey like a good girl should. i am somebody's daughter, a student of silence, raised to bleed like a lamb in a slaughterhouse, a child bride for the undeserving. even when my mouth becomes a basin of blood, even when my eyes roll to the back of my head, even when Oshun rises from the water and i cannot remember my own name—i must forget what tried to kill me, what i have survived, and who i could become. i must forget the face of my torturer and proclaim him beloved, holding him close to my chest, laughing while he suckles at my breasts, praising my newborn brute and the teeth marks he leaves like love letters along my torso.

what if i want to spend my whole life gorging on loss? what if i want rage like i want rain during a heatwave? what if i don't want to forget what harmed me? what if salvation has my grandmother's eyes? what if salvation holds my feet in her lap instead of stabbing me in the face? what if i don't want to forget myself? my particular anxieties, my history of desire, my unburnt body, my uncut reputation—i must forget and be reborn from what was buried like Lazarus: unblemished, intact, unbound from rage. i will be reborn as nobody's daughter and content proving i deserve to exist. we can move forward now.