My Love for Jesus and My Hate for OCD-Blog

Christian Related OCD 1

Hello! This is my first attempt in blogging. I feel like I'll end up only blogging to myself. But that's okay too. It might be helpful for me to get all of my feelings out even if its only me reading.

My first goal is just to get my feelings out and make someone can provide me advice or relate with me which helps. Knowing other people have this problem helps so very much. My second goal is that if there is someone who has this problem, they too will know they aren't alone. God bless you and be with you, I hope that whoever reads this knows Jesus (even if you're like me and you're mind denies Him. He is Lord and I will never stop proclaiming that! I won't let OCD win!)

Basic background in a short paragraph, I have been a Christian all my life. Experienced the love of God, the forgiveness of Jesus, and a changed life. I've had such a truly great life. And I have had OCD throughout my life. It started with handwashing, apologizing to my family to no end, telling people I loved them thirty times a day, twitching, and jerking my body, I had so many themes that I can't even count them if I tried. I barely remember some of them, (though people in my life do. Which is embarrassing.)

So this was my life, occasionally twitching, annoying others by my actions/words, and also obsessively praying. I was fine still. I could handle that...only because of one thing. My faith in Jesus. I knew He was with me. OCD tried to destroy me but I'd always tell it, "you're nothing! Jesus is with me!" That has not changed let me add. That's as true as it was four months ago as it is right this very second. The point is that I don't feel assured in it.

For quite some time I dealt with bad thoughts while reading my Bible, which I now know are called "intrusive thoughts." They started out small.

"The Bible is boring!" "I don't care about Jesus." "God is evil!"

These were the beginning of a load of hurt. Then I'd shake them off, tell them, "Take it up with Jesus if you have a problem!"

that worked. until something changed. I have absolutely no clue at all what changed. I wish I could remember because then I could understand why my OCD turned up the volume to 100. Maybe I could deal with it only slightly better.

A thought came into my head, "What if Islam is correct?"

Keep in mind, I've NEVER had a doubtful thought about the Bible that scared me. It was always stupid intrusive thoughts. That thought bothered me so much I tried to correct it.

"No no, Islam isn't correct. Christianity is correct," I countered.

"Well...How do you know?"

Then came the rest of the absolutely horrible feelings and thoughts. The research, the tears, the pain, and the suffering.

My prayer before ending this part.

Lord Jesus, I ask please help me and whoever struggles with these doubts and problems. Lord, You alone know my heart. Please help me and forgive me. Please also help me to be an encouragement to others. Thank you, Jesus, amen.