My Love for Jesus and My Hate for OCD-Blog

Christian related OCD 2-Biggest Spike of my Life

How do you know? How do you know? How do you really know?

I couldn't read my Bible without these thoughts about islam. They flooded my head. I knew barely a thing about islam and maybe that's why it hurt me as bad as it did. "What if they have more evidence than Christianity?" "What if their religion is true?" "what if you would have been born where they were, wouldn't you have believed in Islam as well?" All of this uncertainty and fear was in my head non-stop. There wasn't a day it didn't pop into my head. How do I know? How do I know?

And I didn't even know how to look my question up. It was completely blasphemous. How could God forgive me for having a question like that? It did seem to be my question after all since I couldn't dismiss it. So I made a list. Here are all the reasons I believe in the Bible and Jesus. They were great reasons, they were true, I believed those reasons with my whole heart.

I had a sigh of relief, "Ahh the questions are answered, now I can go about my day." But...The ocd didn't crave a logical answer, it wanted something even more than that. It wanted me to never stop questioning the uncertainty. After all, I'm sure that this is real life and I'm typing on my keyboard in my living room in 2022. But....what if my life is a computer simulation and none of this is actually happening? Do I have any way to prove that isn't true? No. I can't be certain about that but nor am I afraid of that what if possibility.

so the thoughts plagued me. Stuck to me like sap. I would look back at my list over and over. "Yes, this is why I believe!" But it didn't get better. I ripped the list out of my notebook and threw it away. I don't exactly remember why but I'm thinking it had to do with me realizing looking at that list only made me more anxious and it wasn't helping. I regret throwing it away because I want to read my answers again but I can't get it back now.

Prayer was just as impossible as reading. How do you pray to the One true God with thoughts telling me He isn't? I would get a feeling that I was praying without being sure Who was listening. Though I know Yahweh is the true God who came down as Jesus Christ, still my thoughts would ask me BUT how do you know? I couldn't get back my previous mind no matter how hard I tried. I used to never doubt or be afraid that the Bible wasn't God's word. No other book was like it but then...the thought came.... "how do I actually know that?"

I know something is true in my heart, in my mind,I can feel it, but at the same time, OCD can ask me 1000 questions. Atheist's never scared me. I didn't care if they didn't agree with me, I didn't care if a Muslim didn't agree with me, nor any other faith. But that changed with the blink of an eye. "wait, why don't you agree with me? Am I wrong about something?"

So I felt completely defeated. Nothing had worked. I can't express how filled I was with despair, like never before in my entire life. I felt crushed, as though OCD was taking Jesus away from me, though that isn't possible it made me feel that way. 

Looking through my dad's Christian books I found a book called, "The Case for Christ." My heart lit up with joy. This is what I need! Something to prove my faith to my OCD. But...I was only finding out just then that OCD doesn't care one bit about proof!