When You Could Only See Red

The Transport Camp

"I have sent this message to inform my lord, in order to seek your favor." -Genesis 32:5b 

According to old philosphers, winter can mean many things. It can mean hope and new beginnings. Change and growth. Reflection or rebirth. But this winter was different. This winter was a time of grief. A time of solutide and gloom. Which was not what Felix was hoping for. And as he and Margeit sat in the cathredel, he was praying for better things. 

The Fischers knew that Felix was going to be stationed somewhere. Somewhere that none of them were going to like. But he could not do anything about it. He wanted to stay as close to them as possible, in the hopes of protecting them. But he wasn't sure how he was going to to that yet. He saw the look in Margeit's eyes as they walked through Amsterdam that morning, full of fear and worry. He knew that she was not going to pretend that things were okay. That things were going to get better. And all he wanted was to take those feelings away. To help her feel safe. But he did not know how he was going to do that. 

He kept going to the Fischer household, trying to conceal that fact that they were indeed Jewish- since not many Nazi guards seemed to go into Jewish homes. He also wanted to make sure that he did not seem intimating to other people in Amsterdam. He knew that there were plenty of Nazi sympathizers in the Netherlands, but he didn't want to be seen as one. 

So, sitting in church, he made sure to read his Bible as the preacher told the story of Jacob and Esau. He made sure to participate in worship, and count his blessings, do anything he could to look normal in the people's eyes. But he knew what they saw him as. 

They saw him as a monster. 

He couldn't blame them, though. He saw himself that way to. There was nothing he could do, he had to fight for Margeit. For her family. Their lives. The dreams they had for their future. All Felix wanted was to take Margeit as far away from Amsterdam as possible, to keep her safe. But he knew he had no choice. Everything seemed to be pulling away from him, and there was nothing he could do about it. 

And now, Margeit was sitting on her mattress, listening to Felix pace back and forth in front of while he was holding a manila envelope- shaking as he tried to read the letter. There was a red and black Third Reich stamp on the front, which caused Felix's stomach fall. And nothing about the letter made Felix feel any better. "They want you to go where?" Margeit said quietly, trying to keep her focus on Felix, though with hardship. 

"To a camp in Austria. Called Mauthausen." Felix explained before rubbing the back of his neck nervously. "I have to be an overseer for the people working there." 

"A few weeks?" Margeit looked worried. Ever since the pogroms, Margeit had been on edge. Krisllesnacht, which was the radio was calling it, was the Night of Broken Glass. Jewish businesses, synagones, and homes were ransacked and looted- destroyed of their worth, all alongside the sides of Europe. And the worse part of it all, there were roughly 600 men and young boys taken to "work" camps. There were almost a hundred Jews who were killed, and the attack lasted two days. The Fischer's had not left the house in days, and Mr. Fischer was getting sicker by the day. 

Margeit was selling old jewelry and now some of her old books for money, which Felix hated. He did not want Margeit to have to sacrifice anything. It was his job to take care of her, to help her family. To help the people who cared about him so much for the years. "I- I know. It's bad." 

"It's not bad." She murmured, standing up from her spot. She walked over to him, grabbing the letter from his hands, and scanned the note. Tears started filling in her eyes, "I just want you to be safe, is all. I want you here." 

Felix sighed, opening his arms to her so he could hold her. She leaned into his touch, closing her eyes in order to hide her cries. Felix held her close as close to him as possible, as if he was trying to hide her from the rest of the world. "I'll be okay, don't worry about me." She looked up at him, her cheeks red and puffy. He placed a hand on her cheek, wiping the stray tear.