SakuraiAt the origins of «KNH»

Chapter 4. I'm sorry I didn't live up to your expectations.

I don't know why I came into this world.

I don't know whether I had a choice to be born or not.

I don't know why I became your son and you became my father.

But I know one thing. And this is what I would like to tell you:

- I'm sorry that I didn't live up to your hopes and didn't become the son you wanted.

It's hard... It's very hard... To forget the fear that you instilled in a weak child and the moments ingrained in the memory when your anger burst out on us... It's hard to forget the pain and despair that made your legs go numb and it was impossible to breathe... It's hard to forget the feeling of a fist on your face 15 - a year-old teenager whose body is torn by the pain of chickenpox and you simply don't like his face at this moment... It's hard to forget the kick from the foot that sent you flying towards the door... It's hard to forget the helplessness... Words that beat, insulted and humiliated more than... Difficult.

Difficult. And it's unnecessary. I had to experience and endure a lot in order to relieve the pain of resentment and misunderstanding not only of your actions, but also of many other people, as well as yourself. Now, having met many people, I have learned to see their pain, their weaknesses, themselves and myself. I don't want their life, no matter how beautiful and tempting it may seem. I don't want them around. I don't want their fate. I don't want anything that belongs to someone else, just as I wouldn't want another father for the child that I was. No one else - only you, my father. Always was and will be, in all its manifestations.

It's difficult, always difficult.

And, that is why, now I stand firmly on my feet and look without fear into the faces full of contempt, indifference and those who thirst for blood and profit. Rats fleeing the sinking ship on which I was appointed captain, hanging the yoke of the person responsible for it, and the lions with whom I was placed in a cage. Well... The rats must run, and the lions must know exactly who they are locked up with.

- I would like to greet everyone present and thank you for giving us your invaluable time. After all, as we all know, for all those gathered, time is money, and therefore I thank you for your mercy.

I say, lowering my head slightly, without taking my eyes off them, just as your father taught you: "don't take your eyes off your opponent."

Here it is... The calm before the approaching storm... They are assessing... They are trying to understand what I am made of... They are preparing to attack... I feel this tension, but it cannot be compared with what I experienced before, in front of you, father... Time to straighten my back and show them all your strength.

- I'm sure many of you came to the presentation of the new director with funeral grief, in order to mourn your lost investments, washing your grief down with champagne. Let me support you in this, because as director, my first decree is to announce the end of «Kokoro no Himitsu».

I say and calmly pick up a glass filled with sparkling wine from the podium.

- What insolence!

- Unheard of!

- No one has the right to speak in such a tone with their sponsors!

- We've had enough! We are stopping funding and leaving this performance!

No. This is not a performance, as you put it.

I think, holding a glass in my hands.

This is just an announcement about the crash, so that those who contributed to it will run away from the ship, waiting for their tail.

My 2nd assistant prepared a dossier for everyone in this room. And everything turned out exactly as she expected. Those who were just waiting for this opportunity left. All I had to do was give them this opportunity. Don't thank me.

My 2nd assistant is a girl who was chosen to represent the country at the Olympic Games. A girl who put her whole life on the line for the goal of winning a gold medal. The girl who shed liters of blood, sweat and tears. She gave up her personal life and simple human joys for the sake of one single opportunity - a chance to win a gold medal. And the girl, whose injury from the car that hit her, deprived her of that chance.

Lost time cannot be returned. Regrets are meaningless. "If..." is empty. All that remains is experience and the qualities cultivated in oneself. The discipline and resilience to get back on her feet is what I see when I look at her, the self-confidence she has resurrected from the ashes. I was lucky to meet her too.

So, everything went as she expected. Only lions and lionesses remained - capable of endurance and self-control. Only those who have grown their capital through their own efforts and who are interested in what will happen next. But their strength is not enough to save the sinking ship. And that is why the following words will not be for them, but for the one who, without exaggeration, can be called a whale in the deep ocean. An elderly lady whom my first assistant seated directly opposite my podium. A lady whose sophisticated style, posture and look speak for themselves. A lady gifted with power and capable of using this power. A lady endowed with such enormous power that you cannot take your eyes off her and is capable of deciding the fate of other people with just one gesture. Only she is able to pull our ship to the surface, return it to the shipyard and modernize it, showing us favor. Time to reach out to her.