Sealed with a kiss {18}

||05|| Grief

||ARIEL||

The only cure for grief is to grieve.

And I've done nothing but grieve since the very day I and Rasheed were joined in holy matrimony.

Grief has become the order of my day, causing a great deal of disorderliness in my life like a disease and a sign of weakness. Like a necessity, I've grieved emotionally, physically and spiritually, paying the price for love.

The greatest pain in my heart as I grieve are the memories of the joy I felt not so long ago. Joy that was snatched away from me on my wedding night, leaving me in complete misery.

I've allowed myself to grieve, hoping that somehow, my joy will be restored but my hopes are completely shattered, seeing how miserable I've become.

It has been two months.

Two months since I married the love of my life but haven't had a moment of peace.

It's been the same story everyday; me spiraling out of control whenever Rasheed would attempt consummating our union.

The last two months have been nothing but suffering. I can never forget the days when I'd pass out from feeling overly dizzy, or the days when my face was shoved down the toilet as I choked on my own vomit.

And even now, I can barely observe myself in a mirror without feeling disgusted. I look pale as a ghost, my lips are chapped, my under eyes purple, my eyeballs almost invisible and my fingernails bloodshot red.

I've done everything I can to feel better but nothing seems to be working.

But I'm thankful for Rasheed. My support system. A man who made a vow before God and man to stand by me in sickness and in health and had done nothing but stand firm by his promise. He's been here with me all day everyday, suffering with me and assuring me that I'd be fine.

He's put in so much effort into making sure that I become better.

Rasheed had taken me to the family doctor once and it was confirmed that nothing was wrong with me. The doctor afterwards prescribed some drugs for me but the pills haven't helped me very much.

If anything, they've made me worse.

I don't curse but it's safe to say that my life is messed up at this point.

I lay in bed on one side, facing Rasheed who's sitting on the couch as my eyes water uncontrollably, soaking up my face and the sheets.

I sniffle, my body vibrating vigorously from the intensity of each wave of sob that wracks through me.

"Hey sweetheart, I already told you to stop crying so much, hmm? You'll be fine in no time." Rasheed murmurs, stroking my greasy hair.

"You've been saying that for two months, Rasheed, but I haven't made any progress at all. It gets worse everyday." I croak and he hums, relaxing his back as though in great thought.

"Please take me to another hospital so that I can be thoroughly diagnosed. Maybe I can even stay at the hospital for a while until I'm better. Please Rasheed." I plead as I sit up on the bed with the very last strength I can muster up.

"No." He says in a stern voice.

A sob wracks through me. "Why are you saying no? Why do you keep saying no? Do you love to see me suffer? Aren't you tired? Please Rasheed, just get me the help I need."

I hit a nerve.

Rasheed swiftly jumps to his feet, heading straight for the closet to grab some work clothes. "You seem to be very ungrateful Ariel," he stops halfway, gritting each venomous word through his grinding teeth. "I've been by your side all this time, making sure to take care of you, taking and swallowing the ill words you throw at me whenever you spiral out of control and now you insinuate that I love to watch you suffer?"