My Abusive Ex

Chapter 3

The day Robert left, the day I thought it was all over, I packed all of his belongings and text him to say he should bring his van to collect it all. He got the shock of his life when he turned up and everything he owned was in bin bags. He completely underestimated me, and never imagined I would move him out.

Robert responded in a very angry way and demanded extra things. Eventually he was just intent on taking the family TV, after all, he'd paid for it, at least that's what he kept saying, as if that justified him. Robert was staying at his mums, and he'd already taken two TVs, but he wanted the one from the family room. The one his children watched Peppa Pig on.

After days of constant texts, my mum suggested I just give it to him. I didn't want to agree but Robert bombarded me with messages, and it really wasn't worth the fight. The children and I could reuse our broken TV, who cares if Peppa Pig turns green every now and again. I told him to make arrangements to come and collect it. I should have supervised but I didn't want to aggravation, so I stayed away from the house, but told him, explicitly, in no uncertain terms, that he goes in, gets the TV and leaves.

Robert brought his father with him to collect the TV. In my house they went. A grandad helping remove the TV from his own grandchildren. Beggars belief, but it was clearly that important.

When I returned to the house Robert had indeed taken the TV, but he'd also helped himself to my computer, the radio in the kitchen and mugs from the kitchen cupboards. I was absolutely furious and threatened to report him to the police for theft. His mum, Lynne, defended him and said he'd need those things when he moved into his new house. That may well be, I replied, but they are mine and I want them back. Robert paid for them was her response.

After several strong exchanges I managed to get the radio back, because my mum had bought that, but Robert wouldn't return the computer. No, he gave that to his mum.

Robert might have won that battle, but he also learnt that his threats aren't as powerful as he hoped. I can survive without him. I have to say it's been difficult, sometimes completely overwhelming, but at no point have things ever been so bad that I considered taking Robert back.

He's made my life unbearably difficult and has never taken responsibility for his behaviour. He's justified his actions with phrases like 'we've both said and done things we regret', 'we've both made mistakes' and my favourite being 'we're both as bad as each other' but I've never accepted his justifications and always responded with 'no, not true, we are not the same'.

Robert's constant cycle of ever-changing personalities has led to times when I've felt like I'm literally losing my mind, the gaslighting, the lies, the language. I've never put him through anything remotely similar, whilst he has pushed on and put me through hell.

I can honestly say I understand why abuse victims don't leave.

And why so many return.

Abusive partners tell you the answer is going back. If you go back all the fighting will stop, you can put the past behind you and you can work out your differences. Build a better relationship, work together. Make a fresh start.

But it's all lies.

I gave Robert more chances than he deserved. I put him first. I put his feelings before my own. I put Robert's trauma before my own. I made excuses for him, and I justified his abusive behaviour. His needs were a priority, even before the needs of our children.

I fought to save him, and in return he tried to destroy me. I need to forgive myself for not stepping up sooner. I need to forgive myself for allowing the abuse to escalate. I need to forgive myself for doing what I thought was right.