My Abusive Ex

Chapter 5

From the outset I informed Robert that there were no limitations on seeing his children. If he wanted to see them every day then he could. I researched the best advice for separated parents and due to the ages of the children when he left, both under two years, expert advice was lots of regular contact. Armed with this information I asked Robert to stay local, as this would allow the children to see their dad often.

Unfortunately, this is when his refusal to agree to anything I suggested begun. He laughed off the expert advice, said nobody would tell him how to be a parent, and demanded weekend access only. Quite correctly, Robert said I couldn't dictate where he lived, and then he moved a pretty little village an hour away from us.

Maybe Robert was starting afresh but moving to a place with no support system and far away from your children didn't make any practical sense. I aired my concerns, but I would have had more luck talking to a brick wall.

As life would have it my concerns lived up to expectations. Robert would constantly complain about the distance he had to drive to see the children, he was often late because he wouldn't get out of bed on time (my suspicions being he was up late drinking) and he resented having the children every single weekend.

For over year we were working on finding an agreed contact that suited us all. I'd like to say it's done, or it's at least work in progress but it's not. It's a complete shambles and I quickly realised Robert uses contact with the children as a means to control me.

Whatever agreements we make, he breaks. Robert 'forgets', cancels, he turns up hours late or he doesn't turn up at all. When Robert takes the children, he either returns them home early or they return late, anything from an hour to a day. I'm either summoned home with little notice or I'm sat at home waiting for my children to return and they aren't.

Robert is constantly accusing me of being jealous. Jealous of the relationship he has with the children, jealous of his success, jealous of him. I'm really not, I don't think Robert has anything that I want. His relationship with the kids is certainly nothing to be jealous about, I don't want his job, I do envy his simplistic lifestyle and financial stability at times, but would I ever exchange lives? Never. Pound coins don't give the love and cuddles those children do.

Without blowing my own trumpet I think Robert is actually jealous of me. He can't cope with the fact he isn't needed, that life goes on without him. He took himself away, he took money away and we still survived. In fact, we have gone on to thrive.

I designed a booked called 'Dealing with Loss – A Workbook for Kids' and was featured in my local newspaper. I had a photographer come out and the article led to a featured article in a national Sunday newspaper. There was lots of publicity and Robert never mentioned it once. I'm sure he was seething with anger.

Sadly, whilst this situation remains, I can't live a normal life. I can't plan trips or days with friends. Not properly. If he gets so much as a whiff of me having plans you can guarantee there will be issues with his contact. People say don't jump to his demands, but it's so hard when children, my children, are involved. What am I supposed to do? They are my Achilles heel, he knows it and he exploits the fact.