Russian Wolf

Did you know that?

If you only knew how many nights passed and I longed to have you by my side.
Every tear that passed, just one more time to feel you by my side, one more night to ask you to take me in your arms for the last time.

The uncertainty in my heart feels like a vein that is so clogged that no more blood flows through it. Every beat in my chest feels close to a heart attack.

All of this has gone on for far too long and I should be learning to let go of you through the healing process, but everything inside and around me is screaming for your existence.
The signs I can't put together because it doesn't make sense.

Everything around me reminds me of you when I read or see Russia, Kassel or Wolf, when the song Stolen Dance is playing on the radio where I wonder why they torture me with the song. I want the suffering to finally end, for you to reach out and look me in the eye.

I want to finally wake up.

It's not a dream, unfortunately, where you can just wake up, lay me down next to you and tell you about my horrible nightmare.
It is the reality from which I can not escape, it feels like I ran to you and did not notice how I walk on cement and risk getting stuck forever, because the ground dries up under my feet and does not let go of me. I reach out my arms to you, but you just stand there and don't forgive me.

You just stand there like everyone else and blame me.
The guilt I do not bear and for which I hate you, but my soul longs for you.

My soul does not forgive my heart that we lost you, my mind that is still trying to put together the pieces of the puzzle, because it still does not understand how it could end with us only like this.

Hate me, forget me and let go.
But I will always be the woman who loved you and put you above everything, as well as my letter and Beethoven to you did.