Feelings that are trapped on the inside

The Start

When I was born, my parents we're very disappointed they wanted a boy so bad and turns out I wasn't a boy, so they dressed me for the first four years of my life has a boy and called me some boy name I don't remember. Later on in life I didn't know it make me have gender disorder for I can't find my true self so it's like living in a life. But back to that they we're so obsessed with having a boy but it didn't happen. So I guess I was the next best thing right? No wrong I was treated like bad by my siblings, they hate me so much for being myself and being open about everything, when I talk about a boy I liked or who I'm dating they say oh I don't care, or like shut the fuck up, and I usually cried and listened so I became a little more isolated since then where I don't tell them much about me anymore. I was also born so much earlier than planned, so I was born with learning disabilities so they seen that I was dumb or something in that matter. I grew up has the middle child where no cared about me much for my family house hold. I grew up listening to pop punk and out raged music that my siblings have no idea of how it happened I said it's because I wanna be alone forever. I'm sorry that this chapter is all over the place I'm just speaking from the brain and heart I don't really care If doesnt make since I'm just writing how my life went and how I feel about it.