My Long Winter, a My Beautiful Man/Utsukushii Kare FF.

6: This Castle Shall Crumble In The Winter, PT. 2

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The spring nights were unusually cold, even as flowers blossomed and fireflies speckled the darkness. Families lit fires and roasted marshmallows, school children were returning to the playgrounds, and spring festivals celebrated the new life birthed by earth. Despite the joy in the air, there was one particular couple who still suffered the frigid bite of Winter.

There was an awful cold draft in the old Kazunari house, which could be blamed on its construction being outdated, but the couple inside knew otherwise. It was the tense air between them which froze their hearts solid.

Kiyoi couldn't help but wonder if he was the only one fully dedicated to the relationship. It was terrifying to think Hira wasn't just awkward, 'What if he really was using me to ride the high of catching a star?' Naturally that fear fermented into worse ones. 'Would that mean once he's bored, he'd leave to chase another fleeting obsession?' The desire to be owned was becoming blurred as their feelings became convoluted. Kiyoi still wanted to feel claimed by Hira, of course; but as a dazzling trophy, not just a shiny toy to be tossed away once he grew old and dull.

"I'm just trying so hard to become what you deserve... but I'm worried I can never be that..." Hira confessed after that rainy date night.

Now that Kiyoi thought about those words again, maybe Hira meant that he was giving up. He lost interest.

Kiyoi wasn't worth the fight anymore.

He recalled all those nights spent praying Hira wasn't like the rest, who came in and out of his life just for the benefits. After all, his motivation relied on knowing if his audience grew dark and solemn, there would be at least one light in the crowd still shining for him... but now that light seemed to flicker, too...

The morning before Hira's departure, Kiyoi observed his own beautiful features in the bathroom mirror. While looking into his own face he felt nothing but detachment, like he really was just staring into a doll's glossy brown eyes. Was this shell of a human really just a used-up object to be tossed away? With a hand over his heart, he felt how heavily it thumped. Still, no matter how much it hurt, that beating was the only proof he was human. Kiyoi's eyes closed as a lone tear rolled down his cheek.

A moment later, Hira entered the bathroom without realizing Kiyoi was still there. They stared at each other silently through the mirror, until Kiyoi cleared his throat and tried to leave. But he didn't make it to the door, as Hira caught him by the waist and forced a tight embrace. "Hira?! Let me go." Kiyoi tried to pry him off, but his arms were strong as steel jaws.

"Kiyoi," Hira softly spoke, "I'm sorry that I can't let you go. I just can't live without you..."

Kiyoi's heart felt like it was going to burst again at the sincere desperation of his words. Hira was so confusing, one moment he was determined to be utterly independent... Next, he vowed his existence to Kiyoi. The creep was beyond frustrating, but Kiyoi wanted to believe those words were true... Because what would he do if the love of his life was all a lie? But was that a justifiable reason to just let all of his inhibitions go?

Nothing made sense anymore, Kiyoi knew he could exist without this guy but he didn't want to anymore. He never felt so attached to someone before, it was both a terrifying and euphoric feeling. Loving Hira felt like gambling with dice, in the sense that it was grossly addictive. In a twisted way, he still felt excited even as they teetered on the brink of ruin, because he's won each and every gamble since the beginning. So even if it got scary, he knew it would always be okay, right?