Deluge of Desolation | l. ackerman

Away and Back Again

(chapter thirteen)

Tying my hair into a secured braid, I take a deep breath. My nerves were shot with anxiety that I tried to suppress under my not-so-convincing poker face.

It was like this everytime. No matter how many expeditions I went on, no matter how many times I left the defense of Wall Rose (I think the number ranged in the mid-twenties now), I always got nervous. My trembling hands gripping the rough tether of my horse's reins tightly and back tense upon Fremont, the name of my brown stallion, it never changed.

Sandwiched in between Gerard and Felix, I recite my monthly prayer. To whom, I don't know. Whether it be God, Satan, any angel that may be passing by or, I dare I say Founder Ymir, I whisper the prayer into my enclosed hands. The green cloak that represented my legion lay over my head, covering my face from the nosey, and rather judgmental, citizens of Trost District.

"Oh Lord ere I enter dreadful strife

And the ware of battle is fated,

I let you carry my life

In which Thine Numen created.

Care for my beloved comrades,

Suffer them not to sink

Under our heavy sins of relapse,

For we war o'er the peace that brinks.

Amen."

Lifting my head, my eyes immediately found Gerard's. He nods his head and whispers "Amen" to me, having heard my prayer. I attempt to smile slightly at him, but for naught as my lips fall to a woeful grimace.

The battle encroaches further on us as our horses begin to raise their hooves in fret. I look at the crowd when I hear a rare gasp of excitement. Among the mass of angry citizens lamenting the governmental use of their tax dollars, stood a boy. A cadet, newly graduated as it seemed. His brown hair tousled and unkept blew with the breeze, and vibrant viridian eyes, wide with reverence. I sit in a myriad of emotions, not one making itself present on my face.

My heart feels as though it physically fell through my ribs. The tremble in my body ceased as I tried to grasp onto reality, emotions running on overdrive. I stare for too long. Thankfully, he hadn't noticed, but his friend sure did. Black bangs lay over her nose in a grown-out fashion. Gray eyes, similar to Captain Levi's, slitted at my neutral stare. Mikasa, I recalled her name to be from the description my father gave in the many letters he wrote to me. She glared at me, but I never once took my eyes off of my last living family member.

Finally, I felt tears well into my eyes, not daring to slip past my lashes. My face soon contorted to the single emotion that overran all other thoughts and feelings: Despair.

Oh, the despair I felt when I saw my prosperous brother gaze at my Captain with utter adoration. My frown deepened immensely, creases were sure to form as I furrowed my eyebrows and grimaced with my emotions.

Eren, my poor little brother, had entered the corps. He fell to society's depths and offered his life for others, likely because he had nowhere else to go in the heart of a society's fall. He was hopeless, and I did nothing but fund his death march from the shadows, ignorant of the true calamities my beloved family would soon be facing.

Although, I have no right to pity myself. The act would be useless and rather demeaning...my fight is no longer about me and the hardships I will face. No, it's about Eren; the prodigy of my family, the one who wields the power to bestow years of baseless bloodshed back onto our wrongdoers in the cold forthcoming of war. He who may act upon such immoral deeds...is unaware of the fate that awaits us all.