Deluge of Desolation | l. ackerman

To Find Death on the Road of Life

(chapter seventeen)

The month passed in what seemed to be an instant. After having met the new recruits (and myself narrowly avoiding both Reiner and Bertholdt), Squads Hange, Levi and Kemmerich were back at the old castle of headquarters, running tests, experiments and going over strategies in preparation for the expedition tomorrow morning.

It was nice having the castle to ourselves. I felt free, all considering, and safe. When stuck in a large building with so many people I failed to get to know, let alone acquire their names, comfort isn't so easily attainable. Not like it was when the only people inside of the mess hall were my closest friends and comrades.

During that month, I frequently traveled back to the current Scouts HQ to train and get to know Erwin's vanguard squad a little bit better. That was grueling in and of itself for both myself and my horse, Fremont, but we made it work nonetheless.

Never in my life had I talked to so many people as I did that month, and as I'm sitting on the battlements that line headquarters in the still of the night, I let my true feelings come full circle and display on my face. Eye Bags pooled under my eyelashes and my back slouched in drowsiness. I yawned, leaning back on my hands, looking up at the night sky.

I deliberately faced the fields of HQ where most training took place, and not the dark expanse of the forest. I knew that if I let myself feel vulnerable in front of such a horrid place, the voice would return after so long of hiatus, and I was not prepared for that.

When it comes to my social life, I feel like the black sheep among a sea full of white. While everyone I know so easily converses with oneanother and looks forward to a day of squad training, I don't. I don't enjoy the prospect of spending all of my time with people, even if it's people I love, because I don't truly feel like I can be myself around them. Constantly I am having to watch my tongue and maintain a smile on my face so as not to harbor suspicions.

Levi is seemingly the only one I can relate to on this, but even then I doubt he is withholding information that could bring this world to nothing but fires and rubble like me.

I feel stuck between trusting these people fully and keeping them arms distance away. I don't want to hurt my loved ones because, should war actually break out, they would be distraught at the information I failed to give them, even after everything we had been through and emotions we had spilled. It would be the biggest slap to the face, my lies I mean, and I would rather avoid putting others through such pain.

It was going well, too. When I entered the military for the sole purpose of getting strong, I never made any connections. The only person I regularly talked to was Commandant Kitzler and that was simply because I had to.

I trained alone, ate alone, studied alone and even slept alone. Sure, I had a bunk mate, but we never talked. The only time I recall acknowledging her was when she asked if she could take the top bunk. Even then, I just nodded.

Of my graduating class, Milo and I were the only ones to join the Scouting ranks. We graduated at numbers four and five (you can take a guess at who was ranked higher). I never spoke to Milo during the cadet corps. Hell, I didn't even know his name until two years into training.

It wasn't until Captain Kemmerich hand-picked Milo and I for his squad just two weeks after we joined did I begin to talk to people. It was still a minimum, though. I didn't talk if I didn't have to, and Gerard gave me major shit for that. He always went on about how a single leaf provides no shade, or something like that, and it would piss me off to no end.

Milo got along well with the squad right away, which also tampered with my resolve. I felt like the only one in the entirety of the walls who couldn't get along with others. I felt alone, only to be used as a tool and unwanted in every other aspect of my life. And that was far from what I wanted to be.