Take A Risk [Englot]

Chapter 25

When Heidi opened her door she instantly wrapped her arms around me. I told her what happened while I was at home, trying my best to hold back the tears. Thanks to Heidi and Engfa I had found the strength to leave... but if they hadn't called and texted... I didn't know if Mew's words... could have convinced me to stay.

I forced myself to eat a slice of pizza because Heidi cooked it and I was sure that she wouldn't have let me go to bed without eating. I hadn't answered Engfa's text yet, even though it was really late. She tried to call me while I was brushing my teeth. I didn't pick up...

I felt so bad. My emotions were all over the place. I knew I wasn't in love with Mew anymore. I knew Engfa was the one and only in my heart. But Miles... What if I was responsible for tearing his life apart? When his dad still wanted to save our family...

I couldn't leave Engfa in the dark though. As I laid down on Heidi's couch in my duvet I decided to call her. Even though it was late she picked up right away.

"Hey..." I whispered, not wanting to wake up Heidi.

I heard her let out a deep breath. She must have been worried sick. I should have called sooner, I felt fucking awful...

"Are you ok?" she asked.

I could hear in her voice that she was trying to sound normal. Fuck... And she was asking if I was ok... Even though she clearly wasn't... because of me... Unable to do anything right?

"I'm sorry Engfa..."

"What do you mean?" her voice was trembling.

"I'm sorry I didn't call sooner. I made you worry about me."

She let out another loud breath.

"Charlotte... I love you, of course I'm worried! But it doesn't matter. What matters is if you are ok."

Those words made me cry instantly.

"Oh baby... Do you want me to come?"

"No... I'm... It's just so good to hear your voice." I said, trying to calm down to not alert Heidi.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. I'm ok. Aoom, Meena and Nudee have invited Heidi and I to get coffee together tomorrow. They ask if you'd want to come with us..." I continued, wiping my tears.

"I'm working tomorrow..."

"Oh..."

"I'm behind on a few projects because of the week I took off work when we got back from New York..."

"I'll let you sleep, you waited for me long enough." I said, feeling more and more guilty.

"I'm ok."

"Engfa?"

"Yes?"

"I love you."

"I love you too, Charlotte."

We hung up. How could I have found such a perfect person to love me? She was so caring. Even though I was such a mess...

I didn't remember falling asleep that night. I woke up to the smell of coffee. As I opened my eyes I realized that I was at Heidi's. She was sitting at her kitchen counter, scrolling on her phone while drinking coffee, headphones on her head.

I sat up and she looked at me, with her big bright smile. She poured some coffee in another mug and typed a few times on her phone. The music she was listening to started to blast into her bluetooth speaker. She took off her headphones and brought me the mug full of coffee dancing like a goofball.

"Thanks." I said with a smile before drinking a few sips.

She kept on dancing around and when the chorus started again she grabbed my cup, put it down on the coffee table and forced me off the couch. I didn't feel like dancing. I felt like I was an impostor. I wanted to go see Engfa at work. Mew's words wouldn't leave my mind. I needed to come clean about my fears with her.

But Heidi wouldn't let me overthink right now. She grabbed me and lifted me up, making us spin and sway.

"Come on, Charlotte! You gotta dance!" she said as she put me back down to dance with her.

When she started to twerk on the next song, even though it absolutely didn't fit I couldn't resist her. She would always find a way to crack me up. I got into the beat and started to dance with her.

Around 11am Aoom texted me to postpone the afternoon coffee and offered to see each other for beers a bit later. Heidi and I were off work so we were good with anything. Plus it meant that maybe Engfa could come with us. But I need to see her first...

I left Heidi's place around noon. I didn't know why I lied to her. I said that I wanted to go for a walk alone, just to clear my mind. Instead I went straight to MOCA. Thinking about it, I was probably scared that she would have talked me out of going to see Engfa. But I really needed to be honest with her.

The museum was open but I went through the employees only entrance. I didn't want anyone from the front desk to see me. They gossiped too much. I got to Engfa's office like a thief on a mission. Her door was closed but no voices were coming out from the other side. I opened it without knocking.

Engfa was inside, alone at her desk, chewing on salad while reading something on her computer screen. She almost choked up seeing me.

"What are you doing here?" she whispered, looking around us even though we were alone in her office, like we were doing something illegal.

I closed and locked the door behind me before looking back at her. Her eyes widened like a deer caught in the headlights. She looked scared... and flustered.

"Charlotte... we... we can't..." she stuttered.

Oh god, was she thinking that... I came into her office to ravish her like I've said before? As I realized that it was probably why she was reacting like this I couldn't help but picture us doing it. Fuck. My hormones were still on fire. Calm down body! I was supposed to be sad and lost, not aroused...

Well, to be completely honest I was everything all at once now... But my sex drive could wait. It had been on the low side for years, I could keep myself in check, right? But Engfa was so damn fine to look at. Even more delicious as she looked so on edge seeing me in front of her. Charlotte! That was not what I came here for...

I took a deep breath and sat in front of her desk. She seemed quite relieved and a little bit disappointed at the same time.

"I'm not here to have my way with you while you try to keep quiet." I managed to say.

"Oh... okay."

"But believe me, seeing you this affected by the idea of it made me falter a bit..."

She smiled but I didn't know why but I could read pain in her eyes.

"Are you ok?" she asked.

"Not really. I came because I really need to talk and I didn't want to do it over the phone."

I took my time telling her exactly what happened from the moment I got out of the taxi the day before, to the moment I left home. I tried to explain everything that went on my mind as Mew and I were arguing. I wanted to be as honest as possible with her. Sharing how sad I was feeling, the doubt that was creeping inside me, keeping company to the pain of my anxiety attack. How seeing her text saved me in a way and helped me get out.

I wanted her to know that I really was in love with her. That I knew she went on a somewhat similar journey but that I was really truly undoubtfuly fucking scared. Everything was so complicated and I felt lost, too many feelings conflicting inside of me. When I was done talking I was obviously crying. Engfa had nodded with every single affirmation I gave her but she hadn't say a thing.

"I do understand, Charlotte. But I can't force you to be with me if you still want to keep your family the way it is now. I don't want to influence you with my way of thinking. It's your decision to make. I know you're scared. But there's no right or wrong way. You'll find your answer. Just trust yourself."

How could she? My honesty had probably shattered her. Being indecisive was for sure making her suffer. But she remained on my side, helping me without pushing me away nor towards what she might want herself. Oh, Engfa...

"Can I ask you something?"

"Of course."

"Can you picture or want a life together? It's not about influencing me. I just want the truth." I said, trying to compose myself.

She looked inside my eyes as she could look inside my soul. I never had seen her staring at me with that much intensity. I could picture the gears in her head turning so damn fast.

"It's not that simple because we still need to get to know each other and we work together but... if I only let my heart talk then... I do want a life together, it sounds nice."

I sighed, feeling relieved.

"And I'm willing to wait for you if you need time to find out how you want to deal with your life." she continued.

"Engfa, I want to break up with Mew and be with you. But I need time to bring the news to Miles and find a way to help him get through all of this. And right now... I don't know how to do this."

Engfa nodded.

"Engfa... When I'll officially end things with Mew... Will you be my girlfriend?"

She smiled, looking kind of moved by the question.

"Yes." she answered.

"I want you to be assured that I don't desire him anymore and I don't want him in any way... So... would you be ok to... keep seeing me and having sex with me while I find out how to not fucked my son's life too much?"

"That would make me... your mistress?"

"Well, I don't really like this word but... I guess that's what we became for one another since New York..."

"I..."

"To be honest Engfa, I love you so much but I also crave you. December was so hard because I couldn't touch you. I know damn well that New Year's Eve didn't happen just because Mew and I had a fight. I would have make you mine sooner or later here. I think you want it too. I know our situation at work isn't helping... but I can't keep my hands off of you. And I want to spend more time with you, getting to know you more and more..."

She looked like she didn't know what to say but her smile was so soft. After a blank she nodded slightly.

"Ok. I'll be your... mistress."

I couldn't help but smile so wide.

"But Charlotte... this is about getting to know each other inside and out. It's not about me helping you sort things out at home, ok? I still don't want to interfere more than I already am."

"Understood." I said, so relieved that she was ok to go out with me in a sense.

I had managed to keep them in check for a while but my hormones regained power over me when I realized what Engfa had just agreed to. I was aroused again and I licked my lips looking back at hers. I took a deep breath. Now wasn't the time. Focus Charlotte, back on track!

"Aoom changed our coffee time to beers tonight. Would you like to come?"

She looked at me quizzically and then nodded with a smile. She could be so quiet and reserved sometimes.

"Heidi will be there too." I said, not wanting her to be trapped with two of her team members.

"Oh... I'll get through it, I think." she winked.

"Ok! See you after you get out of work?" I asked, getting up, putting my hands on her desk, bending towards her.

She pecked my lips softly, a light blush on her cheeks as she sat back against the back of her chair.

"I'll text you the address!" I said, leaving her office.

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Charlotte is making progress but we're not off the drama guys. I'll make next chapter quite fun to let you breathe a little though 🤍