Take A Risk [Englot]

Chapter 30

"EXPLAIN THIS TO ME!" Mew shouted again, showing me his phone.

The video of Engfa getting off stage and kissing me was playing on a loop on his screen. I went past him to close the patio door, hoping Miles wouldn't hear too much of what we would say.

"IS THIS WHY YOU WENT TO FUCKING NEW YORK?"

"Please stop yelling." I said, looking back at him.

He seemed shocked that I could even ask something like that.

"Don't tell me to calm down, Charlotte! How long has this been going on?"

My eyes went from him to the kitchen, checking that Miles wasn't there.

"I'm... It started in New York..." I said but he cut me off.

"So you've been cheating on me for a WHOLE FUCKING MONTH?!"

"Yes..." I admitted, trying to find something else to say but my mind was blank right now.

"Fuck Charlotte! And with a woman? Are you gay now???"

I rolled my eyes. I couldn't believe him and his way of thinking...

"I'm not gay, Mew. I'm bi. I always have been."

"What do you mean you're bi??? Did you sleep with other women while we were together?" he asked, completely lost.

"Of course not! I only slept with you during all those years. I loved you, Mew. I didn't need anyone else..."

"But as soon as we went through a rough patch you flew to New York and slept with her! With your freaking boss!"

"I didn't sleep with her because she's my boss..."

"How so that means that you could have done whomever??"

"Like you didn't sleep with whatever girl you came across on New Year's Eve, Mew..." I said calmly.

His eyes widened when he realized that I knew.

"I saw the hickey on your neck and you reeked of somebody else's perfume... I'm not stupid, Mew..."

"That's your fault, you're the one that said you wanted a break!"

"How is you sleeping with another woman my fault?!" I snapped at him, angry that he could say such a thing.

"Because you made me so mad!"

"Me sleeping with Engfa was not your fault, Mew. It was mine. I shouldn't have cheated on you..."

"At least you're being honest now! We both fucked up..."

I took a deep breath and shook my head.

"What I meant is that I should have refrained myself and officially broken up with you before sleeping with her."

"WHAT?"

"I love you, Mew. You're the best father Miles could have and our life was good. But I'm not in love with you anymore. I haven't been for a long time now... I tried to keep our family together... but I can't pretend and lie anymore... to you... to Miles and to myself."

"Is that what your freaking therapist told you? That you were unhappy and that you should leave me??"

Once again I was shocked at the anger that came out of him. I knew he was sad and probably felt betrayed and wounded... but it was like he couldn't understand anything about me anymore.

"How could you do this to me? How could you do this to Miles?" Mew said, tears finally coming out of his eyes.

I felt my heart ache. I looked back to the kitchen, Miles was there, holding a few bricks in his hand. His eyes were so big, like he was trying to open them as much as possible to take in and try to understand what was happening before him. I slid the patio door open and kneeled down to hug my son.

"Why is Daddy yelling? And why is he crying now?"

I squeezed him a little tighter.

"Everything is gonna be ok, honey." I whispered, caressing the back of his head.

Four days later on Monday evening, I was folding clothes and putting them back into my suitcase. Miles' and his toys were already packed. I heard Heidi sighed and I found her leaning against her kitchen counter when I turned around.

"Are you really going to leave?" she said, her voice croaking.

I had heard this question too many times recently... I fought back the tears that wanted to escape my eyes as I was searching for what to say. But I couldn't hold them in. I was really going to miss living with Heidi these past weeks. She welcomed me when I was lost, she took care of me, and Miles too.

"Yes..." I answered, wiping my tears from my cheeks.

"Are you really going back there tonight?"

"Yes..."

"Can I help in any way?" she asked, sniffling.

"No, I'm good. I'll only pack half of my stuff. I'll come back on Saturday with the moovers to get the heavier stuff and the furniture."

"You're really going to leave me?" Heidi said with a pout as she dried her own tears.

"I can't abuse your hospitality, Heidi! Meena found me a nice flat. Miles will have his own room..."

"The fort was good though..." she replied, batting her eyes trying to get to me.

"It was the best fort ever."

"I'm really going to miss you, Char."

"Aww, come here!"

I hugged Heidi, trying to convey all the love I had for her. I was so thankful to have such good friends around me.

"We will still see each other 5 days a week at work, you know? And we can hang out during the weekend!" I tried to reassure her.

"No... you'll going to spend all your weekends fondling Engfa's boobies..." she pouted again, her forehead resting on my shoulder.

I couldn't help but laugh.

"Don't be jealous. I know you miss fondling Tina's..." I teased her gently. "And we'll go out on the weekdays when Miles will be with Mew, right?"

"Oh yeah... I didn't think about that!" she replied, letting go of me with a big smile.

"Nothing too crazy though, I'm not a party all night long person, you know..."

"We'll see about that!" she replied.

I hugged Heidi one last time outside before I got inside the taxi. We drove for a few minutes and he left me and all my luggage in front of a brand new building. Meena had decided to invest part of her money into a flat last year. She had bought a tiny apartment in a nice area, it was just one bedroom and she was renting it, making nice dough as she liked to say. Her last tenant was a young model and she had just landed a contract with an agency. She was supposed to leave in march but Meena pulled a few strings here and there to make her leave the place sooner.

Meena said to me that we could live here with Miles as long as we needed to. She even asked if I needed to do some renovations to feel more at home. She was sad to only be able to provide one bedroom when we needed two. I obviously said no, a good dozen times... And we argued for a long time on the phone about me paying rent. We finally found an agreement and she let me pay half of the normal amount.

I put the bags and suitcases inside and went back out. I hoped in yet another car to go back home to fetch the rest of my stuff. Mew had refused to talk to me since last thursday. Miles was already asleep when I arrived. Mew got up from the couch and retreated to the patio while I packed my stuff. I tried to speak with him over the weekend, to at least organize things up for Miles but he stayed silent.

I tried my best to explain to Miles that we couldn't have sleepovers at Heidi's anymore because she needed to get back to her normal life. He made me promise that we could invite her sometimes to build forts together. I wanted to explain to him what was happening between his dad and I but since Mew wasn't talking I didn't want to overstep. We needed to find some sort of agreement on this to not mislead Miles.

What hurt me the most though, was that on the first days Miles was with his father, I never received any news, or pictures. I didn't know anything about my son's life from Saturday to Monday. Three days and zero info. Even when Miles would go to his grandparents they would send some pictures (blurry but still) or little stories from what happened each day. But Mew stayed silent even by text.

I was starting to doubt the whole shared custody thing. Of course Miles needed his dad as much as he needed me. I didn't want to take that away from him, nor from Mew who also needed to spend time with his son... but... Could I spend a whole week without knowing anything about how his days went?

I got everything I could and left the condo. The driver helped me get all of my bags inside the trunk and even helped me take it all out when we arrived at Meena's building. I dragged everything into the elevator, then into the flat. Moving was emotionally hard but also physically... I could have asked for help but I was convinced that Engfa and my friends already did so much to help me during the past month... And I kind of wanted to do it on my own, proving to myself that I could handle being alone.

An hour later or so, I was lying in bed, thinking about Miles, hoping he was ok. The familiar anxiety pain was creeping back inside my chest as I thought about him. I was feeling guilty for not being with him. Could I be a good mom if I wasn't there? How could I make sure he was ok? How could I help Miles get through what was happening to us if I couldn't even talk about it with him?

I laid in my son's future bed, looking through my phone. I had downloaded the TikTok app and was watching the video of Engfa and I in a loop since last Thursday. I had found many more videos of that night. People in the crowd had recorded Engfa singing on stage. I couldn't take my eyes away from her. Her voice was one of the only things that could help me go through the pain that I was experiencing... and at the same time I was afraid that I had in my hand the proof of how bad of a person I was, having cheated on my husband, the father of my son...

I fell asleep listening to Engfa's voice singing "... used to worry crazy what the future held but life ain't gonna take me till I trust myself..." trying to engrave the words inside my heart and my brain.

___
Hello, readers!
We're nearly there...
Let me know what you think! 🤍