I Still Love You

Chapter 9 - Conrad

"Belly. Her name is Belly." It was the first time he'd said her name out loud in months. As soon as he said it, he felt this sharp pain in his chest. It had been almost a year since that night in the motel where he'd told her he didn't love her and told her to be with Jere but it still physically hurt to think about her.

"Belly? That's an odd name for a girl." Matt could tell he'd opened a deep wound by the look on Conrad's face and immediately regretted asking him anything.

"Isabel. Isabel Conklin is her full name. I've just always known her as Belly." As much as it pained him to talk about her, there was also this weight that was slowly lifting from his chest. Which is why, even though Matt hadn't pried further, Conrad continued telling him about her.

"I'm sorry but I don't see how you are solely to blame here. I mean you mom was dying for fucks sake. You're allowed to have feelings about that. In whatever way you want to." Matt was reeling by the end of Conrad's story.  It had felt nice to tell someone his side of the story, but what felt even better was Matt not taking Belly's side.

When they broke up, everyone pointed the finger at him and blamed him for not treating her right and not being worthy of her. The only person who really knew what he was going through and understood him was Laurel because she was going through it too. After Laurel, Matt was the only person to actually see his point of view.

"I get that the break up was hard and it's even harder since you've known her practically your whole life but Con, its been a year now. Don't you think it's time to move on? Hell I'm sure she has." Conrad let out a sarcastic laugh. It was funny how spot on Matt had been even without knowing what happened after they'd broke up.

"Ya, you're right about that."

"Wait really? She actually moved on already? How do you know? And with who?" Now that Matt had him opening up, there was no stopping him. If there was one thing about Matt Conrad absolutely hated it was this. He loved to pry.

"It doesn't matter. She's moved on and I'm-"

"Fine?" He said it with a sarcastic tone. "You're not fine Fisher. You lost your mother and not even a few months later, you lost the girl you've loved all your life. You aren't fine."

Conrad had been avoiding talking or thinking about his mom and Belly like the plague, but hearing Matt say those things out loud made it all very real again. And just like that all the progress he thought he'd made had vanished and he was back to the Conrad that left the motel that ill fated morning.

"Whatever. Now you know why I won't date so can you please leave it alone." In a small corner of his heart he knew Matt was right. It had been a year since he'd even heard from or seen her and over a year since there was anything more than friendship between them. Yet the moment his brain somehow convinced himself to move on he would feel this immense pain in his chest, similar to the one he'd felt when he was waiting for Jere to give them his blessing.

"You still love her don't you?" It was a simple question, one he'd been asked once before, but like the last time he didn't have it in him to answer. He knew that if he actually said it out loud, it would make it real. Except this time he couldn't do anything about it and that feeling was somehow worse than anything he'd felt before.

"I'm done talking about this." He walked back into the main hall where they'd been studying and started rummaging through his notes. He could feel his heart rate increase and it took everything in him to breathe.

"I'm going to the library. I'm not sure when I'll be done so don't panic if I'm not back." He somehow managed to get the words out before the attack started. Even though they'd known each other for a couple of months, Matt was yet to find out about his anxiety and the panic attacks that accompany it. He ran out the door before he could hear Matt's response and frantically got into his car.