Abby

Chapter 39

I woke up feeling sick to my stomach, a heavy sense of guilt and shame washing over me like a tidal wave. The morning light illuminated the room, glaring harshly at my disheveled state. A faint odor of regret lingered in the air, mixing with the musky scent of last night's desire still hanging in my bedroom.

As the realization of what I had done last night sank in, I couldn't help but feel a wave of nausea. The memory of all those unknown hands touching and groping me, stripping away my dignity, made me shudder. At that moment, I despised myself for allowing myself to be reduced to a mere object of desire.

Questions plagued my mind. How could I have thought this was what I wanted? Leaving behind my previous life, as broken as it had become, only to become a plaything for others' amusement. The weight of shame overwhelmed me, and tears began to well up as I fought to hold them back.

Forcing myself out of bed, I dragged my feet across the cold floor and began to get ready to meet Madeleine. The mirror on the wall taunted me, reflecting the disappointment and disgust in my eyes. I couldn't bear to meet my gaze, to confront the reality of what I had become. A prostitute, trading myself for a large sum of money promised in the contract. Is that all I was now?

Yet, amidst the self-loathing, there was an undeniable physical response as I began my shower. A flash of heat between my legs reminded me of the attention I had received. It was a confusing mix of emotions, the sickening knowledge of being degraded, but also a newfound awakening within me.

With a heavy heart, I stepped out of the shower and finished getting ready before making my way through the dimly lit hallways to Madeleine's office. Arriving at precisely 11 o'clock as instructed, I nervously knocked on her open door, unsure how to face her in my current state of mind.

"Abby, please come in," she greeted me, a warm smile playing on her lips as she rose from her desk. I stepped in silently, uncertain what to say, as Madeleine motioned for me to sit on the couch and settled herself into a chair across from it.

"How are you feeling this morning?" She asked, her eyes soft and kind as she looked at me. "Mentally and physically."

I took a deep breath before answering. I needed to find the right words to describe my feelings without being too vulnerable and risking possibly being sent home. "I'm still processing last night," I said quietly. "It was a mix of feeling powerful and exposed simultaneously. I've never been so aroused, but now I feel embarrassed and ashamed. Part of me is relieved it's over, while another wishes it lasted longer."

Madeleine nodded, her eyes understanding as she gave me another warm smile. "It's normal to feel conflicted. Something like last night can be a lot to take in all at once, and it can take some time to process everything, especially when it's your first time."

She reached for my hand, squeezing it gently before she continued. "Everyone is here to help you, and I understand it can be difficult to open up about such things. But you need to remember that what you do sexually here doesn't have to be who you are. It does not define you as a person, and taking the time to process these emotions and regain that balance is alright. It's always better to talk about your feelings than to bottle them up."

"Thank you," I said, expressing relief at her words. But inside, that familiar voice of doubt raged. These sexual acts of deviance were for other people, people who had low self-esteem or other issues, it told me. It had been one thing to enjoy submitting to Eden and sharing that connection with him, letting him take control. But it was something else entirely to be groped by everyone at the party. I had no interest in their money and power or ascending to their social circles. I didn't want anything from them.

"You are doubting if you belong here," Madeleine said, interrupting me from my thoughts.

I sighed, unable to deny it. "Yes," I admitted softly, feeling foolish in front of her.