Abby

Chapter 44

Sitting on my bed, I stared at the pendant Madeleine had given me. Her words echoed in my mind, and I struggled to understand my feelings. Though I knew I didn't want to give up, I questioned whether I had the strength to fight my past. The brainwashing from my parents and the church, constantly preaching about morals and sin, made it difficult to break free. Yet, while I reflected on my past, something else within me stirred. A tiny spark of defiance, refusing to let me surrender. It battled against the voice in my head that constantly scolded me, insisting that I was wrong and sinful.

But it was Mandy, not me, who had always been the strong and confident one when it came to sexuality, never afraid to take risks and explore new things. Last night, listening to the story of her being with two guys simultaneously had definitely aroused me. But could I ever allow myself to do something like that? Maybe there was truth in what Madeleine said about embracing desires without worrying about labels. I wasn't sure I wanted to fall to Mandy's level of depravity, but finding a happy medium would be nice.

I thought about Eden and how it felt when I submitted to him. He made me feel safe and cared for, and I longed to be with him again. But now, I didn't know if I should be flattered or upset that he had tried to buy out my contract. Either way, pursuing my feelings for him would mean leaving behind the Fleur-de-lis.

The hard truth was, I wanted it all. To have my proverbial cake and eat it, too. To explore my sexuality at the club while also having a relationship with Eden. Something wild that pushed my boundaries while also feeling safe and loved. But now, I had to choose.

Taking a deep breath, I tried to clear my head. The pendant in my hand, given to me by Madeleine, symbolized her trust and support. It encouraged that spark of defiance, urging me to stand up against the guilt from my upbringing. If I didn't fight back now, would I ever?

I sat there for what felt like hours, carefully considering my options before finally making my choice. Standing up, I went over to the mirror, almost dropping the pendant as I went. A warning that there was no going back, no second chances. I held the pendant against my chest and carefully put the chain around my neck. The cool metal touched my skin, giving me confidence as I fastened the delicate clasp.

With one last glance in the mirror, I left my room and headed down the hall.

❖

I lightly rapped my knuckles against Victor's door, the noise reverberating down the dimly lit hallway. Without hesitation, his deep voice resounded, beckoning me inside. With shaky hands, I turned the doorknob and stepped into his private space, feeling my heart race.

Victor was lying on his bed, engrossed in a novel. As I entered, he sat up, his gaze meeting mine, his sapphire-blue eyes widening with surprise.

"Abby?"

"I'm not sure how to begin."

Gesturing to a chair across from him, he urged me to take a seat. I gripped my necklace like a lifeline as I complied. Victor eyed me intently, waiting for me to continue as I gathered my courage.

"I know I don't have much experience, and last week didn't go very well, and I know you think I'm not ready, but I want you to top me during my first real scene." The words rushed out of me in a single breath.

His eyebrows shot up, but he held back his reply. His face contorted with hesitation before he spoke again. "I can't do that. Madeleine..."

Determined, I replied, pushing back against his hesitance. "Madeleine said if I wanted to stay, I needed to convince you."

For a moment, he seemed taken aback by my boldness, and I regretted speaking up, worrying that I should have used protocol and not cut him off. But he only looked into my eyes and nodded in understanding.