My online diary

11-23-23

People included in this story:
(Fake names)
Sandy
Pearl
Anchovies
Me

So today Sandy asked in our groupchat (Sandy, Pearl, and I) our plans for tonight. We all basically said none. But then, I had invited my friend, anchovies, over. We were watching youtube. Just by chance, I got on my phone to check notifications and saw that Sandy had just arrived at Pearls house. I texted in the groupchat and was invited. Basically I declined due to the fact I had company. Sandy and pearl said they werent going to hang out, just eat. I asked if they were going to eat together, which Sandy replied yes. I said that's (arguably) hanging out. Sandy got mad and called me annoying and said I do "this" everytime. I just dont understand. I feel very unwanted recently by them and I don't know how to communicate it with them. I dont want them to be upset at me. I feel like maybe its better if I keep my distance. But then pearl will notice and ask me "whats wrong?" I try not to lie but often when they ask, I just say I have stuff going on. Which I guess technically isnt a lie. I just don't know how to communicate how I feel without it coming out like jealousy or like im attacking them. Im genuinely not jealous of their bond. Im totally confident in my position in their lives. I just wish I was included more. Ive just been attempting to communicate my feelings more often but it just seems like im a burden that stresses them out and causes them to push me away. Im scared if I communicate, they will get angry at me. When I talk about this with others they all say "theyre not real friends to you" or "they dont like you" its wrong. They just dont seem to grasp the full subject and matter. Sandy and pearl have proved numerous times that they do like and care about me and are not fake to me. Sandy especially. I just don't know what to do. I feel like if I distance myself ill miss things and mess things up. But if I don't distance myself, ill just be more of a burden and a cause of stress.