Olivia: The book of Matthew

Chapter Fifteen

I lay in my bed and I close my eyes for a moment as I try to figure out my next move and my eyes open wide as a lightbulb goes off when I remember my bible.

I excitedly turn over and grab my bible. I open to where I left off and laugh as I flip the pages to chapter five where I am now. I read quietly about how Jesus taught his disciples. I repeat over and over in my head and it still doesn't make sense.

I pray out loud, "Lord please help me to understand your word..."

I'm cut off by my mother laughing, "You call yourself a Christian yet you can't understand the Bible?"

She laughs even harder and I feel like she's mocking me.

She continues to speak in between laughs,
"How will you ever learn!"

She's being so dramatic that it makes it apparent to me that she is indeed mocking me. 

Instead of getting offended I ask her, "What does, blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven mean?"

She shrugs at me and jokes, "Maybe it's telling you to not be hypicrital or a narcissistic know it all?"

She laughs at her own joke but she doesn't realize that she may be right in a way. I could have done without the rudeness but she was helpful. Don't try to know more than Jesus, remember you are still only human.

I can feel it in my heart that that's the right answer. A smile creeps upon my face As I continue to read verse 4-9. So far what I learned is that being a Christian and following Jesus's commands is the same thing as being a good person. You will be blessed if you are humble, kind, caring, gentle, helpful,and peaceful. He urges us to strive for innocents and to be eager to learn more about God.

My mind goes crazy because it truly is good versus evil, right and wrong kind and mean and the list goes on. I shake my head and verse ten makes me think of Irene.

It causes me to whisper it out loud, "Blessed are they who are persecuted for righteousness' sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake."

My mind instantly goes to all those times Irene was bullied for her bible by those two girls and the principal and she still stood strong. I smile at those thoughts of Irene in heaven getting a great gift like so many before her because she deserves it.

I continue to read about how I am important to the earth but without God things are impossible. I know it's not a literal thing because I've survived without him but as I look back on my life I can't help but to wonder was I really living or just surviving?

I sigh out loud at how pathetic my life was before Jesus and Irene came into it. I continue to read about how it used to be. Where it used to be an eye for an eye. Now you're expected to not even be mad at them or you will burn. It feels a little extreme, but then my brain starts to imagine Jesus's skin ripping by nails and, still forgiving his torturers instead of hating them. Maybe it's not as difficult as it may seem. I feel like I owe it to him to at least try and live by his example.

I am nervous as I continue to read that Jesus believes looking at someone with lust is adultery.
A gasp escapes my lips and I pray to myself 'Lord did I commit adultery on Sunday. Is this why I felt so icky?'

The silence is too much to bear so I continue to read. If you do put away your wife give her a written divorce. I pull my phone out and I enter it into my search bar hoping it will further explain it.

I clicked on the first article and am not surprised to read that men used to leave their wives but not divorce them and the. The wives could never remarry because it was cheating so Jesus demands to write a divorce so she can move on and not be guilty of adultery.

I can't help but to laugh a little because people love to say that God favors men but here is Jesus calling men out and demanding if they leave they are to allow the woman to move on. Hope and appreciation flutter in my mind and heart for Jesus.

I continue to read about how Jesus doesn't want us to swear and I must have read it a dozen times before I realize that he is talking about saying things such as, I swear on heaven or I swear on god or I swear on my life instead he expects us to just give our word.

As I continue to read I recognize one of my old favorite sayings. Guilt fills me as I have memories of when I used to use this against Christians. An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. To distract myself from the horrible memories that I'm not so fond of, instead I continue to read about how we are to forgive and turn the other cheek. Bless those that curse you do good to those that do you wrong. By the time I finish my mind is blown. Jesus literally wants us to strive for protection. I close my bible and rub my hand against it gently.

praying aloud, "Lord...Jesus, how do I strive for perfection When all I know is in-perfection. How do I just shut off my urge to sin? How do I erase everything I've ever learned and we programmed myself to the way that you want me to live. This is going to be hard and I will need you if I'm going to succeed."

I look up at my door expecting to see my mother, standing there judging me but I am relieved when I realize that it's still just me and Jesus.