BLOODLINE (Eli "Hawk" Moskowitz)

IV. Bottle It Up

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Lainey was having her second panic attack of the night.

Her first one came not long after Eli had left their apartment. She ended up on the floor with her knees drawn to her chest. The sobs were uncontrollable, she wrapped her blanket around her and calmed down eventually.

It took a while.

She had decided to make herself something to eat — she wasn't too hungry so just settled on a sandwich. She'd eaten it and cleaned up the apartment a tiny bit. She walked into her and Eli's room and settled down on the freshly made bed.

She stared up at the ceiling and her thoughts caught up with her, the bad ones.

You haven't touched him for months, he's going to find someone better to replace you.

A better mom for Ridley.

A better place to call home.

Someone who doesn't come with baggage and hide it all away like some pathetic bitch.

You're such a bad mom. No wonder Eli left.

Eli should just take the baby and go.

The tears streamed down her face — the more she thought about it, the more she hated herself for the way she had acted.

She was pushing him away.

She didn't know how to rectify things.

The dull ache in her chest never seemed to face. She sat upright and reached for Eli's jacket which was draped over the end of the bed frame. She held it close as a form of comfort. She wiped her own tears away and tried to compose herself.

No matter how hard she tried, the thoughts always got the better of her.

She felt so pathetic acting this way.

Eli had only gone for the evening.

Or she hoped.

She hoped he wouldn't leave her.

She had visions of him never coming back. It was the way her brain liked to play cruel tricks on her.

As she lay in her and Eli's bed, she had visions of him never coming back, never bringing Ridley home.

Maybe they both would be better without her, and they would find someone else to be a mom for Ridley. A better mom, a stronger woman, someone who wasn't struggling like some pathetic teenager.

Someone who wasn't depressed.

Depression.

She wasn't an idiot, she knew she was depressed. But she didn't want to confront it. She'd rather bury it away and worry about it later.

But now, it was threatening to eat her up.

The thoughts weren't the best as she lay in the bed alone.

The blanket barely draped over her body as her sobs flooded the room. She felt useless. She felt so stupid.

No wonder Eli had gone.

She hadn't even shown him affection for so long. It killed her. But she was sure he'd leave her at any moment if she continued to be so cold towards him.

Lainey turned towards her bedside table, there was a framed photo of her and Eli sat upon the wooden surface.

She smiled through her tears. A photo that proved she was once happy.