Random

Identity

Honestly, who am I? This is a question I ask myself quite a lot. I've ruined so many things, friendships, relationships, lives, ect. I feel like I push everyone away even when I need someone. My friend wanted me to come over but I didn't. Because I felt ashamed. I felt like I didn't deserve her. All I wanted to do was cry. And now I fucked up my friendship with this guy. And I feel like shit. So who am I? I am a bitch, the girl who is always bullied. Even when my friends don't know about it. I don't tell them because I'm scared to. I feel, no I know everyone talks about me behind my back. It's just that I'm such a fuck up. I don't even know why I'm still here. Why I haven't ended everything. Because I'm a fucking coward. That's why. But it's okay. Because one day I will have the courage to do it. And I will. I will do it. Maybe in 2 days. Maybe in 2 years. Who knows. I don't but one day it will happen. So look for the day I stop texting you. Wait for the day you can finally be happy again without me. I wanted amazing friends. I got them, but they drifted away. And maybe they are drifting back to me. But I doubt it. I have lost too many people in the course of 3 months to be of any importance to anyone or society. I should do like this one thing on tumblr said. It went along the lines of : a kind girl started to to bring a clicker to school and whenever she thought of something funny/smiled/laughed/was happy, she would click it. So during class you would sometimes hear it. And the girl was training herself to be happy. I want to do that. But I can't. I would never be able to click it. It would be too hard now. Anyways, this is like my online journal now? I guess. Whatever bye