Perfectly Wrong for Me

Kabanata 19

I didn't know how long I remained standing that day, but it was long enough to make London fetch me. I cried in his arms the moment he hugged me. I couldn't stop my tears. I couldn't stop the pain penetrating within me.

He didn't answer me. He didn't give me enough reason to move on. He caged me into curiosity that will haunt me forever. I needed to know the truth, but he deprived me of that. I needed to know how he truly felt, but I guess he didn't want me to hurt more in the end, so he kept his silence.

I wanted to regret every single thing that we shared together. Every moment. Every emotion that I felt. If breaking my heart was the exchange for all of these, I wish I'd never met him, then. How badly I wish that he would never have come into my life. Because loneliness and pain are the things that I remember the most. Even just thinking about the joy we shared together and the sweet memories makes me hurt even more.
 
He gave me so many memories to remember, and it brought me nothing but pain. And the fact that I had to bear it every day made me badly want to die instead.

"How are you going to celebrate your eighteenth birthday tomorrow, Paris?" Tierra asked.

"I have no plans," I said boredly.

"Again? You're not going to celebrate your birthday again? You've been doing that for four years. What happened ba sa 'yo? Why does it seem like...you're rebelling against your birthday?"

Because it was the time my heart broke. It was my birth month when God gave me a bitter advance gift—heartache.

Napapikit ako at pilit nilalabanan ang emonsyon na gusto na namang umusbong. I've been trying so hard to forget and move on, but I couldn't just get it out of my head, no matter how hard I tried.
 
I tried to stick to what I really was. I focused on my studies and tried to get back on my feet again. The only way I think I can get better is to become what I used to be. To go back to the things I used to do. To return to my old self. My life was plain and easy before I met the storm that destroyed my world.

"Gano'n talaga. Sometimes we need to explore. Sometimes we need to get out of our shells to see how the world is going. But in the end, we get killed by our own curiosity. We entertain foreign feelings and enjoy them. But I guess good times are excruciatingly short," Sanjay once told me.

I shouldn't have gone out of my shell, then. I shouldn't have fed my curiosity. I shouldn't have entertained those feelings.  I should have stepped back and gotten a hold of myself. Then I wouldn't have fallen and gotten hurt in the end.

"I still wonder why Azami left their home. Ngayon pa na gagraduate na tayo," malungkot na saad ni Tierra.

Azami left their home when she lost her baby. It might have been so hard and painful for her. She used to be a sweet and loving girl, but after her marriage to Chance, she changed.

We didn't know what happened between those two, but for them to part ways in such a terrible way, it must have been so hard.

Now, I believe in Sanjay. The good times are indeed excruciatingly short. Good times don't last forever. It's true that you can't buy happiness because nothing is free in this world. Everything has a price.

From then on, I no longer tried to be genuinely happy. Because that was the reason why I got hurt in the end.

"And you're leaving too. I'll be all alone. Hindi na matutupad 'yung goals natin na magsasama sama sa college," nagtatampong dagdag niya.

"This is what I need, Tierra." Tumingin ako sa malawak na soccer field. "I need to leave to live. Like what Azami did."

Ramdam ko ang paninitig niya sa akin.