Dear Alice,
I know everything has been a bit hectic lately. You were in an event that never should have happened. It was an event that made you feel so many things at once. You feel guilty for feeling afraid or traumatized from an event even if you weren't the target. I mean you were there when that happened. Shouldn't it count for something? But then again you weren't too close to the event. A reminder again that you weren't the target as well. Some may tell you that you have the right to feel that way because honestly in the moment you didn't know what was happening. You were in fear of your life being taken by the hand of someone else. But again you weren't the target. I know you felt guilty and ashamed for the fact that you felt a little relieved that you weren't one of them. Then with all these revelations does that mean your feelings weren't really needed to be felt. That they were now invalid. I mean you were still there. A ball of guilt and resentment towards oneself is a constant cycle within your head. I want to tell you that all those feelings are valid Alice. So yes, I will be one of those people who say that you have the right to feel afraid still. The event has happened a couple of weeks ago but it still effects you. Whenever you're close to that vicinity again you think "What's gonna happen today?". I mean this was already a concern because it is so common but now your thoughts turn that way 10x faster. Instead of a pop up maybe 3x a day it ends up consuming most of your day. Any sort of danger that you think could possibly happen to you comes rushing in all at once. That you'll never be safe or feel safe anywhere. Any little hope of a safe space is immediately stripped away once you start the cycle of looking for the possible exit routes and what tools you have around you to defend yourself. That person took that away from you and now they are not even here to hear about your fears and what they did to you. A realization that you didn't realize until we talked to each other. I just hope that you give yourself love while you are experiencing these emotions and still recovering from that tragic event.
Sincerely,
Mad Hatter
