TrustFall | Under HEAVY Revision & Editing

Chapter 22: Julia's Letter to Audrey

WARNING: Brief mention of suicide, as well as depression.

Eight Months Ago

Dear Audrey,

I received your letter last night, and when I finished reading it, I was a crying mess. My face turned into a red, moist pufferfish by the end and it took me awhile to finally recover.

I'm sorry, babydoll. Breaking your heart was the last thing I've ever wanted to do. I thought that when you told me to go, you actually meant it.  That last day at the airport, I was more than ready to change my mind and remain with you, because I was terrified of a future without you. I wasn't sure how I was going to be able to survive without you by my side.

Yes, Australia had an amazing opportunity and if I didn't take it, my goals in the career world would have been derailed. I was offered the VP position at the company's headquarters in Adelaide, and being back in my hometown was an added bonus. I desperately needed that jump in the business world.

But I was prepared to give it all up for you. Because you were my air supply without which I would be like a dying fish on land. You were the air that I breathed. You were the one who motivated me to drag myself out of bed every morning and get my ass to work.

That's why I told you that I could stay instead. That perhaps us being together is far more important than anything else in the world. That our love could conquer the world and as long as we are together, nothing can stop us. Nothing. And that anything was possible with a love as strong as ours.

But you told me that you wanted me to go. That you won't stand in the way of my career. And who am I to say no to you? Your wish has always been my command, no matter what it was.

Do you remember that time when you persuaded me to go paint-balling with you? I hate guns, any type of guns, but I went with you because I knew how much you loved that game and you needed me since only couples played. I've never been able to say no to you because that's how much I loved you. And I still do.

Every time we talk is a painful reminder that separating us is a screen and 8,100 miles of land and ocean. That I can't touch you, I can't kiss your soft lips, and I can't be there in person to comfort you when you need me. I can't pull you into my embrace whenever I want and hug you tight, feeling the warmth of your body pressed against mine. Looking at you through a screen isn't the same as seeing you in person. It's not even remotely the same.

You're everything to me, and I'm actually glad that we decided not to do any long-distance relationship, because it makes what I'm about to write next… easier.

I think we should cease communication. I'm sorry babydoll, but I can't handle the pain and heartache that I experience after every conversation that we have been having lately. It messes with my focus and emotions, which in turn affects my work. And I can't let that continue to happen because the whole reason why we're separated is my work, and I can't lose it.

And I think that it would be better for you as well. You can move on with your life and perhaps, who knows, you might find someone who makes you happy and isn't thousands of miles away, speaking to you through a fucking device.

I've tried going out with several women here. I know you probably don't want to know, but I think you deserve to know everything that has been going on here. I mean gosh, the women here are stunningly beautiful but each “date” was a failure. I couldn't bring myself to be interested in them, and everything they talked about bored me to death.

But you never bore me. You could be talking about a grain of sand or a stupid caterpillar, each word that comes out of your mouth captivates me and transfixes my attention onto you. That's what you do to me, and if we stop talking, then the pain wouldn't be as hurtful.

I promise, babydoll, and you know that I never break any promise I make. I promise that one day, I'll come back and hopefully we can rekindle things and pick up where we left off. Unless you find someone, in which case I will be happy for you because your happiness is my number priority. And if that means that someone else is making you happy, then… I'll accept it.

Because no one can replace you, babydoll. No one. You're not one in a million. You're one in a billion. There's only one of you in this world, and nobody can come close to the way that you make me feel.

Your adorable laugh, your smile that could light up a thousand fires, the sound of your voice that carried the most soothing and calming energy into my mind whenever I was stressed. Waking up in the morning groggy as hell, and all I needed to kickstart my day was seeing and feeling you beside me. You were like my caffeine in the morning, except the healthy and strong kind.

And how can I forget the way you would moan in pleasure when eating the food that I cooked up for you. God, I remember I complained about that when we first met, but I grew to love that annoyingly inappropriate trait of yours.

Because nothing you do can upset me. I will always love everything about you, and I will never forget even the smallest detail about you. Our love, your memory will forever be embedded in my mind.

I know that you'll probably be angry with me when you read this. But trust me babydoll, it's for the best. I love you, and you'll forever have a place in my heart.

I'll miss seeing you, hearing you, and talking with you, but it's for the best. I wish you well, and I wish you all the happiness that this shitty world has to offer.

I love you, babydoll.

Eternally yours,

Julia

🥀──────────────────🥀

I pressed send and closed my laptop. I shut my eyes and leaned back into my chair. I imagined Audrey waking up in the morning, and the first thing she sees on her laptop is my email declaring us done. Even though that was not what I said, I knew that's how she would interpret it.

And the knowledge painfully tugged at my heart. I felt moisture in my eyes as I began to cry. The image of her having one of her panic attacks because of me increased my chest pain.

And when she mentioned that she wanted to kill herself because of me, I couldn't take it. She has always been an emotional wreck on the inside, even though on the outside she was impressively strong and tough, both mentally and physically.

Writing that email was possibly the hardest thing I've ever done so far, and I've been through some serious shit before. I wished that things didn't have to go this way. A part of me was upset that Audrey didn't want to follow me to Australia, because that option was on the table and she refused.

Of course, I was aware that moving to a whole new, strange country was a huge step, and that she wasn't prepared to do such a thing even for me. But what right did she have to be upset at me for not wanting to give up my career for her if she didn't want to even move for me?

Perhaps it wasn't the same thing, but it was enough. Was I angry at her? Maybe. Could she have done more? Perhaps.

But I meant every word that I wrote in that email. I'll always love her, and she'll forever be my babydoll. And if she ends up with someone when I come back to America, I'll reclaim her.

Because she's mine. My babydoll. And I'll make sure of that.