STARBOY☆ | mattheo riddle

chapter eight: endless flashbacks

I woke up late the next morning, my cheeks stained with the dry tears I had shed during the night. Blair was right by my face, screaming into my ear. "Seph, wake up, we're going to be late for breakfast!"

I shoved her away with a groan, and slammed my face back into my pillow. I wasn't in the mood to get up right now, or ever, for that matter. I knew I had to, though. My education was calling. Or at least Blair was.

I pulled myself out of bed and stumbled into the bathroom, shutting the door behind me. I tried to get ready as fast as possible, but my body was refusing to cooperate. I glanced up at my dishevelled appearance in the mirror, and my eyes shot open in horror. I had about five clearly visible hickeys reaching from my neck to my collarbone. My stomach sank as memories of last night's turn of events came flooding back into my mind. I had told myself I would regret it.

Had the girls seen? No, they would've said something, surely. I knew my robes would cover about three of them, but two were right in plain sight. I took my concealer and slathered it all over my neck in a thick layer. Well, it wasn't perfect, but it was going to have to do. I gave myself one last check up in the mirror before returning back to the dorm to get dressed.

I walked right behind the girls as we entered the Great hall, trying to hide from the Slytherin table until the very last second. I slipped in between Daphne and Blair, only to find out that I had sat down right opposite Mattheo. So much for trying to avoid him.

I kept my head bowed down, focusing on nothing but my breakfast. Well, that was a lie, because I couldn't focus on anything other than the fact that our knees were practically touching. I shifted further away from him.

Maybe I was being too weird about the whole situation. Maybe he'd just been tired and wanted to leave. Yeah, he could've said something, but so could I have too. And I mean, we hadn't even been friends in the first place, so him not talking to me wasn't out of the ordinary. I was just going to have to give it time. And I definitely had to stop acting like something was up.

But would I never be able to look him in the eye, knowing that if I did, every thought I'd have would be far from holy? Every single inch of my skin he'd traced with his fingers now burned hot, as if pressed against an iron. Maybe it would be better if I avoided him, and just forgot about the whole thing. I was sure he'd already done the same. And I'd barely noticed him for the past five years, so how hard could it be?

But as I soon found out, avoiding him proved to be more of a challenge than I had expected. As it turned out, I had more than half of my classes with him — Potions, Transfiguration and Defense Against The Dark Arts. I hadn't really noticed him in them before, except for Potions, of course, and purposefully trying to ignore him just made me more aware of his presence.

"You okay?" asked Daphne, nudging my side as Snape scribbled our DADA assignment on the blackboard.

"Huh?" I was too busy doodling flowers on my parchment to be listening to Daphne, or Snape, for that matter.

"Is something up? You seem a bit... distracted." I dropped my quill and my fingers attacked my peeling nail polish.

"No, nothing's up." Sometimes I truly believed Daphne was a mind reader. I considered myself a pretty closed off person if I wanted to, but somehow she could see right through me. If someone were to find out about this, I knew it would be her.

Mattheo barely looked at me anymore. Not that I could blame him, I mean, I was playing the exact same game, but the lack of fleeting eye contact made me realise how much we'd actually been eyeing each other these past two months. I hated to admit that I missed it, but I really did.

I couldn't believe I had actually fallen into his trap. I wanted to punch him for taking interest in me only to fuck me, but I also wanted to punch myself for being so gullible to let him. I had been well aware, going into it, what kind of person he was. He wasn't a relationship guy. I mean, I didn't even want to be in a relationship with him, but I had to admit, I wanted something... more.

Yeah, and so did half the school, I wasn't special. I just needed to get over it. It had happened, and it wouldn't ever happen again. Big deal. People made mistakes every day, and so did I. No need to cry like a baby that my crush didn't want to fuck me anymore.

Woah, crush? Who said anything about a crush? I was attracted to him, sure, but that didn't mean I was going to draw hearts around his name in my diary or anything.

* * *

"Seph?"

"Hmm?" My eyes shot up from the book on my lap to Mattheo standing right in front of me. He put a book down on the counter and slid it towards me. I dropped my gaze in an instant, my hands trembling slightly as I reached for the book. Why was I so pathetic?

"You read it?" he asked. It was a science fiction book from the muggle section. I shook my head and took a quill to write down his name and the title of the book. My heartbeat was so loud I could hear it in my ears. This was the closest I'd been to him in a week. I had hoped I'd be over it by now, but I guessed my heart had other plans.

"Oh, I would've asked if it's any good," he said. I was about to wonder how he was capable of having a normal conversation with me when I realised that that night had really meant nothing to him. I'd just been one of his girls — not his first, and definitely not his last. I knew I'd said that I didn't like him, but I was more unsure about that with every passing day.

I slid the book back to him. "Back in a month. I'm sure you know how it works," I said, tapping my nails against the counter.

"Sure. See you around."

See you around? See you around?! Was he fucking serious? I wished I never had to see him around again, but unfortunately I was stuck in this school with him for two more years. I had been foolish to think he'd notice the state he put me in every time I was around him and at least take pity on me instead of being a fucking tease. No, actually, I didn't want him to pity me. That's the last thing I wanted him to do.

It was time I stood up for myself. I was sick of feeling like some fragile little doll that could break at a single touch. I wouldn't let him have such an effect on me anymore. I had to do something about it, and soon. My first step should be distracting myself.

I spent my evening practising on my guitar while my homework lay untouched on the edge of my bed. If I procrastinated enough, I knew the rush of stress I'd soon start feeling would push any thought of Mattheo out of my mind.

It worked for a bit, but it turned out that I actually hadn't had that much homework left to do in the first place, so I finished right before my usual bedtime.

"Daphne?" I whispered as I lay on my bed, my mind painfully awake. Blair was already snoring away as usual, but I could see the light from Daphne's wand out of the corner of my eye.

"What?"

"Tell me something."

Pause. "What exactly?"

"I don't know, anything. What did you do today?"

"Well, I caught up on my reading in the morning, and then I was with Theo the whole afternoon. That's about it."

"Oh. How's Theo?"

"Okay, I suppose? Why aren't you sleeping?"

"I'm trying to. I can't."

"Things on your mind?"

Daphne was my best friend. I could tell her anything, couldn't I?

No, not this. "No, not much."

"Okay, then. Good night." The light went out.

"Good night." I rolled onto my side and closed my eyes, praying to dream about anything other than that wretched night.

But despite all my efforts, I couldn't help missing his touch, and I hated myself for it.

AUTHOR'S NOTE ☆

This chapter is quite short but whatever :D

Love u and happy reading xx