Fixing the Broken

The Wedding

"In the midst of where you're going don't forget to enjoy where you are."

Aug 5th

I called my Nurse friend Anna because I wasn't sure how to do wound care on the hole. She came to my house before the wedding to help me get all cleaned up from surgery. Melanie watched from the side as Anna taught my mother and me how to properly care for my surgery wound. Once we got ready I tried to use my hair to cover the band-aid and grabbed a few extra just in case.  I drove me and Melanie to the church where the ceremony was and everyone was shocked when I walked in with my walker. Everyone thought I would need my wheelchair but I am stronger than they know. Samson was worried about me driving because of how big of a toll the surgery took on my body. Melanie was hoping to get wasted at the open bar so they had made a plan the day before when I was asleep. Samson was going to take his lunch break to drive us to the reception and then he would be off when it ended. I had no idea that he was worried enough to save all his breaks to take at once to make sure we were safe and cared for. My best friends were all at the wedding except Samson, Fr Kurt offered him to be his plus 1 but he refused because he had to work. Once Samson had dropped us off at the reception we headed in to wait for the wedding party to arrive and when I stepped foot in the door I immediately wanted to turn around and leave. Standing at the bar was HIM, Nathan my abusive ex-boyfriend. Flashbacks began to hit me left and right, Melanie spotted him as well and she rushed me to our table before going to get us drinks. He was sitting at the table next to us, unfortunately. But fortunately, I got to sit with Melanie 2 deacons and their wives, and Fr Kurt. He seemed lonely at his table and that gave me a flash of joy. I spent the wedding avoiding him as much as possible and you could tell that the people who knew it ended badly between us kept us separated. Samson was unhappy to learn he was there, he came a little early but waited in the parking lot in case I had any trouble. Sadly at one point, I was asked to take a quick photo of someone with Nathan. No one had their phones so I did it on my phone. Nathan left before we did and apparently, Samson figured out who he was because he looked the "douchiest." that got a good laugh out of me. I couldn't believe my eyes when I got into the car though. For the first time I saw Samson in comfy clothes and there is no other way to describe him than H-O-T. He was wearing a beanie over his normally swoopy hair, he was in a plain t-shirt and basketball shorts and I don't know if my heart skipped a beat or maybe it fell into my stomach. He dropped me off last and for some reason when we were alone in that car I wanted to spill everything to him. He dropped me off and we said our goodbyes and that was the first time I felt sad to say goodbye.

The next day I sent the photo to Nathan and within minutes deeply regretted it. He started a conversation with me and in came the lies but I didn't want to hurt his feelings. It's crazy even after everything he did I was still worried about him. Someone had been giving him updates about me and he was asking about my surgery.  The conversation went on for an hour with him telling me lie after lie and me giving the most dry responses I could think of. When he sent that first text though it broke a new hole in my heart because for a second I missed him. But every time I miss him suddenly the flashbacks begin. 

This one conversation caused me to think and dream of Nathan more than I ever had since our break up and the dreams were not good or kind. They hurt more each night they occurred, I would wake up from the nightmare and be right back in the same dream when I fell back to sleep. This went on for weeks after the wedding.

...and then I did something stupid. In my defense, I was drugged up on painkillers and a little Epi. I went with my church which included Calliope, Melanie, and Samson to the Bishop's dinner and of course, because I am special we had a hiccup. When Dessert came out I went into anaphylactic shock. Melanie didn't even notice at first but Calliope chased me to the bathroom immediately. The stall was tiny and people were talking but my throat was closing so we couldn't have cared less. Calliope helped me get my thick jeans down and held my hand steady as we used my epi-pen. Once I was breathing again Melanie came in and asked what was happening. Samson had apparently followed me and Calliope but because we went into the women's restroom he had been standing outside waiting for an update and he texted Melanie to get him one. As usual, I was really shaky but Samson and Melanie helped me get back to the car. The next morning I woke up in excruciating pain because my period had begun. I was on the floor sobbing and reached for my prescription opioids. After I took the Opioids I took my daily pills which means I accidentally mixed Epi opioids and Adderall. I don't remember anything after I laid down to go back to sleep. But the next morning I had a text from my friend that said "What did you do" I started to go through my phone to figure out what had I done and that's when I found it. My 6 hour conversation with my ex-boyfriend begging him to be FWB and dumping all my dreams about him. I was embarrassed and didn't know what to do so I told Calliope and then after Mass, I told Fr Kurt. Fr laughed in my face and told me I was definitely drugged and told me to come to confession on Sunday before Mass. After that conversation, I went and mentioned to Samson what I had done and at that moment he took my phone and blocked my ex on everything. I told him I needed one thing because I was still waiting for him to give me my stuff back. Although he was unhappy he agreed I could unblock him on Snapchat. Melanie overheard and she had nothing kind to say because it was disgusting and she could not believe a person would do something like that ever. My other friend Melonie shut her down and told me mistakes are okay because he was a large part of my life for 3 years and there was a lot of commitment. This helped but did not fix the guilt and regret in my stomach.