Fixing the Broken

The First Crack in the Wall

"If she flinches when you put your arms around her, someone's hands weren't so sweet. If she often questions you, someone else lied. If she doesn't tell you things, someone else betrayed her trust. Behind every complicated woman scared to love is one that's tired of being broken."

Most of the next month was uneventful which I was incredibly thankful for I was still healing from surgery and struggling with flashbacks. That was until the end of the month. Finally, Samson came forward and told Melanie that he had feelings for her. Sadly Melanie did not listen to Hamilton and she threw away her shot and turned him down at the church. But Samson sought me out for comfort after his talk with Melanie. After this encounter between Samson and Melanie the three musketeers turned into Lydia and Samson------Lydia and Melanie. We still did things together but the nightly calls and movies ended. Since school had started that also changed things but suddenly once against the world came falling.

It was late September when Fr told me that my friend whom I was Baptised with had died in a tragic accident. That day at mass his homily was dedicated to how important true real friendship is. My late friend was out on the town with a group of friends when he died. His friends had decided to go to a bar but didn't check if he was with them and he wasn't. Fr was angry and heartbroken, he stressed that real friends notice if you're gone, they notice if you are sad or hurt and suddenly my past sunk in. I had no idea what to do I was already low from the recent flashbacks but now the flashbacks were going 10 years further into the past. 

That night Samson reached out to me and asked if Melanie had told me anything and then asked if I was doing any better. I knew he was referring to Melanie making a big deal out of the fact that he had feelings for her months before. She felt he was chasing away the guys she was interested in by being too friendly so we talked about that for a while but then Samson circled back and wanted to know how I was handling the news about my friend and father's homily. Suddenly the wall I had fought so hard to build had a crack just big enough for Samson. I suddenly was spewing things that I had told no one other than my therapist. I had run to the bathroom sobbing and was struggling.

"When I was 14 I was raped and my friends didn't find me for over an hour. When they did find me I was naked in a bush. No one had noticed I was gone. My 'friends' then congratulated me the next morning on no longer being a virgin or a prude. When I was 16 my best friend helped my other best friend rape me. He thought that I would sleep with him if I got over losing my virginity. He watched through a door while I was being raped outside. Not even 30 Minutes before a 27-year-old man felt me up and shoved his tongue down my throat after feeding me shots left and right. Then when I was 17 I was drugged and raped by my rapist best friends' best friend because he was told I was a good fuck. My friends found me unconscious naked in a bed 2 hours after the guy had left. Then I was repeatedly raped by my most recent ex-boyfriend. So hearing about terrible friends brought back all the feelings of blame and guilt and all of my lovely friendships before."

Samson looked down sadly "Im really sorry all of that happened to you"

I continued still on my rampage " So friendship isn't something that is easy for me. I love meeting people but trusting people isn't something I can do easily."

Samson shook his head gently "Understandably so."

I was now on the brink of tears " So hearing about my friend who was baptised with me made me realize that I never had friends who would notice if I got separated or went missing... I mean I do now but that's completely new to me!" I took and deep breath and continued "So I kinda keep shutting down because that's how I handle my PTSD I go numb. I love Melanie but recently she hasn't given her full attention and she doesn't know much about my backstory just because she doesn't really understand when I say personal things she automatically says she relates which I understand she is trying to relate but that is not great for me."

"Yeah, sometimes just gotta vent." Samson nodded for me to continue

"So I went and had a nice conversation with Cali where I was validated except about it being my fault even though I drank and smoked and made all the bad choices." I gave a small laugh when I said choices.

"That's nice." Samson looked me straight in the eyes "It's totally not your fault by the way."

"Even after all these years, I feel like well if I wasn't so nice and trusting, or what if I had chosen different friends and not the ones I had?" The tears had fallen and I had begun to go numb. I will not cry in front of another person.

"You did the best you could with what you knew. Can't fault yourself for that."

"That's true. I have a lot more knowledge even if I didn't learn my lessons in the best way. I just wish sometimes I could go back to when I only saw good in the world. It was so much easier and happier but I guess that's just not adulthood." I looked at the stars in the night sky sadly.