The Chronicles Of Chardee

Chapter 1: New Beginnings

*Each chapter will have At least 2 songs dedicated to them and an indicator of when to play said songs!*

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*Stressed out by Twenty One Pilots*

"I think it's best for us to break up, I still love you but after the other day, I don't think we should continue this cycle of arguing anymore..."
I trailed off with a slight awkward and kind smile to look less cold hearted.

I recited the well rehearsed breakup words to my now "ex" boyfriend who I had been with for what would've been 2 years if I didn't decide to leave two months before our anniversary.

"We had a good run, and I still want to be your friend, but I can't be your girlfriend anymore, it's honestly too much on top of everything else in my life that I'm trying to cultivate."

I was kind of bullshitting him at this point. Sure, I wanted to still be cool with him but evidently, he was too soft for me. I felt like I was at my breaking point of being smothered and held to expectations that he couldn't even hold himself to for me. Even after all we had been through, I still gave him grace because I knew in my heart that he loved me and did what he only knew how to do; though unfortunately for him, it would never be enough to satisfy me.
But I couldn't tell him that to his face without it sounding mean and the people pleaser in me just couldn't bear to inflict anymore pain onto him than I already was by telling him I was done. I don't know why he felt the need to keep prying for why I was really done because in reality, it would only hurt him more. By the way my Ex, Iman (Eē-Mon), was two years older than me but throughout our entire relationship I had been the one to really show him the world. I guess you could say I was his saving grace, but shit I was tired of playing captain save a ninja!

"But, why couldn't this be a conversation? Why just skip to breaking up?" He asked sadly, I could see the broken look in his eyes but I couldn't look away. I had to face this like the real bitch that I am.

We had one final argument that confirmed my feelings on being done with him because it was the same argument we had been having and never resolving since we had started living together over a year ago. It started over the smallest little joke too. That's how I KNEW it would only get worse from here; Like I was at the point of screaming in my car, at him, on speaker phone because he had picked a fight over text in the earlier morning hours while both of us were at work. Did I mention that I was the only one with a car and drove both of us damn near everywhere! It still sounds embarrassing af when I say it out loud, ugh.

"But we literally been having this same argument for the longest time, it never gets resolved you just end up apologizing and I let it go until one of us explodes about it again. At this point I think we should just take some steps back and learn to be individuals again..." I wished he would just say Okay and freaking let it go, but also I was grateful to know that he loved me enough to fight a little bit.

He knew there was no changing my mind once I was set on something tho, so I just let him go through his mixed emotions and tried to be there for him as a friend instead of a girlfriend. The only issue with that was I was the CAUSE of his grief, so how could I possible be the one that he leans on all in one breath? Doesn't that sound just about crazy af? And was...

Honestly, dealing with his emotions kinda bled into my emotions too, because when someone breaks up with you there is different levels of grief that you experience before you reach the "acceptance stage", and it simply wasn't practical to express all of that to the same person who supposedly hurt you. I don't think he understood that part though, because he desperately clung to the idea that I would still be his friend and possibly get back with him at a later date (Ofcourse I did plant that seed in his mind just to shut him up); but that just went to show that he never really knew me like I needed him to because if he did, he would know I NEVER double back on ninjas.