But Then I Fell in Love

Chapter Eighteen

True to his word, Jungkook was there at 9 AM sharp, just as visiting hours began. He rushed to Yoongi's room and found he was still unconscious, and that Namjoon was asleep, sitting up in a chair.

So as to not disturb either one of them for the time being, he silently lowered himself into another chair and waited. He thought about getting on his phone, but he found he couldn't. All he wanted to do was stare at Yoongi and will him to wake up.

He was devastated. He couldn't believe he had ignored Yoongi after doing something that apparently was special to him. He hadn't known that it would be. He had just done something that he hadn't been able to get out of his own head. He'd wondered for a while what it would be like to kiss Yoongi, but he'd never crossed that line because Yoongi was already so out of sorts with relationships and love. It felt inappropriate to do. So, when he spontaneously did it anyway, he felt terrible. He was worried Yoongi would feel pressured or obligated. And that wasn't something Yoongi should be worried about or concentrating on right now. So, he'd removed himself from the situation, hoping Yoongi would be able to go back to focusing on the things he needed to.

He also needed time to contemplate how he himself felt about it. It had meant something to him, too. And he wasn't sure how to handle that. Jungkook hadn't felt the way he felt about Yoongi for anyone since his first and only relationship in high school. And because he didn't know how to handle it, he'd simply walked away.

It was so selfish, and looking back, Jungkook was disgusted with himself. Who was he to make decisions about Yoongi's feelings? Who was he to decide what Yoongi did or did not need? He should have acted like a man and talked it out with Yoongi. He should have explained his fears and why he was so horrified with himself that he'd done it.

Because now, he might never get a chance to. Now, Yoongi might die having believed Jungkook didn't care about him.

For what felt like the fiftieth time since he heard about Yoongi's condition, Jungkook dropped his head into his hands. He didn't know what he'd do if Yoongi didn't make it. He couldn't even entertain the thought.

"Jungkook?"

Jungkook's head snapped up. Namjoon was watching him carefully. "You okay?"

Jungkook shook his head. He didn't know how to explain to Namjoon how he was feeling. He didn't want to tell him he was scared his best friend wouldn't wake up.

"Talk to me," Namjoon said kindly. "What's going through your head?"

Jungkook shook his head again, but Namjoon persisted. "I know you must be having a hard time right now. It might make you feel better to talk it out."

Jungkook took a deep breath. "The kiss meant something to me, too," he said quietly.

Namjoon nodded. "I figured as much. Why did you run away, though?"

"I... I felt like it was inappropriate. I didn't want to pressure Yoongi or make him feel like I cared more about kissing him than being there for him."

Namjoon sighed. "I think I understand where you're coming from, but – "

"But it wasn't my place to decide how Yoongi feels."

"Exactly," Namjoon said.

"I should've talked it out with him. I just... I panicked."

Namjoon nodded. "That part is clear."

"I care about him, Namjoon. I hope you know that."

"I do. You had a funny way of showing it recently, but I know you do."

Jungkook looked over at Yoongi. "Do you think..." he took in a deep breath. "Do you think he knew that, too?"

Namjoon followed Jungkook's gaze. "I think so," he said honestly. "But I can't tell you he wasn't devastated when you disappeared."