Let me get what I want...(ON GOING)

Sqaure one (Bradley)

Shit, the director saw the magazine
I'm a disgrace in God's image

-

I walk nervously to the office and see other staff. Butters the new member sits next to me, he's a sweet kid. His hair looks soft and his eyes are- no, stop. Humble yourselves therefore under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up....okay, I feel a little better.

"Do you mind explaining to me, why we found this in you guys's room?" He slams a magazine of men's underwear on the desk. "1979 Sears men's underwear catalog?!"

My face heats up in an instant. I can't lie, God will be upset

"That's...that's mine" I sound so nervous.

"You know this is STRICTLY forbidden!!" The director says angrily

I turn my head, hearing Butters speak

"I don't understand, what's wrong with underwear?" He shrugs.

Wow, he's an innocent kid. Kinda cute...

No, you can't. It's a sin, oh God, please. Don't do this to me, I can't like a boy.

The director rises in his chair with tension in his face. He shoved the magazine in butters face "What's wrong is that this makes you confused! This is confusing you right now isn't it?!"

I'm just looking at Butters, his eyes twinkle. Do they always do that? I hear the confusion and nervousness in Butter's sweet voice

"Yes, this is all very confusing!"

I hear the director yell about how it's bad, and a sin. Blah blah blah.

Another gunshot.
Not surprising.

A child being called a sin and thinking you'll never change. Is fatal, another petal is lost from the flower.

I hear the director force us to have "contraband in your room" and that we will both do penance by writing scripture for the next four days... it's whatever.

Me and the confused blue-eyed boy walk to our room.

-

As we sit down on our chairs I feel so bad, it's Butter's first day and I made it a total wreck.

Grabbing a paper and a pencil I write down Bible verses.

"I'm sorry for getting you in trouble Butters.."

Butters stopped writing, I see him smile, he has dimples. That...is adorable.

"Aww well that's okay Bradley, I'm not upset" he places his hand on mine...oh no, please God don't make me feel this way.

My heart warms up and I look away speaking nervously...

"I really want to get better. I try to do everything the counselors say, but some...how I still feel confused."

Butters holds both of my hands, my heart starts to race and my mind wanders with warm thoughts.

"Well, that's alright! I'm still confused too"

I hold his hands back and I smile slightly

"Your terrific Butters, I mean...I think you're great" I look into his eyes, the blush rushes to my cheeks. My hands pull away as I advert my gaze.

"Well, geez...that's real nice of you Bradley. let's finish writin' all these verses then we won't be bi-curious no more!"

Wow, he really is something, I look at butters for a couple of seconds before nodding and writing down the words of God, apparently against the "gays"

-

Flashback

"Your such a fucking faggot" Ricardo pushed me against a locker and I fell, cowering as I get kicked.

"And pathetic!" Another kid yells.

"Please...stop," I say through tears

He laughs and grabs my collar "You can't even speak properly. Ewww, you probably like me" he gets grossed out and pushes me to the ground laughing with his buddies and walking away

-

Present

I tear up, why do I remember that so well, I have happy memories too. Why does that recur, it's flooding my brain.

Butters can hear my sniffles, he probably thinks I'm weird.

"What's the matter?" He puts his hand on my shoulder, tears fall down my chin and to the ground, each droplet is my past miserable experiences.

"N-nothing" I wipe away my tears, looking away

I look at butters, hesitant to speak

"Have you...ever gotten bullied?" I'd like to get to know Butters more

"Well, I wouldn't really call it bullyin'...but I get made fun of at my school. What about you?"

Seriously? Who would make of him? he's an angel.

His hand rubs my back, it's been so long since I've been comforted like this.

"Yeah... a lot I guess. I've been" a sigh escapes my lips "I've been confused for a long time"

"I still don't understand what's wrong with being confused?" He raises an eyebrow

Is he serious?...

"Everything? You can't be confused, God will hate you for it"

"But I'm confused all of the time, like I get confused on a math problem" he frowns slightly

Oh, he doesn't know what I'm talking about. What an angel...

"No no butters, not that kind of confused like. Debating if you like boys or girls confused." I pat butters's back

"Well, why pick one? I like everyone, I think everyone has a sweet heart inside"

His smile is adorable, I mean the way his cheek puffs up. It's the cutest thing ever.

I chuckle softly, butters is so innocent 

"No butters, I mean you like like them. In a way where you'd only date this gender or that gender. Or both" I clear my throat "b-but you can't date a boy, it's a sin and you'll end up burning in hell. That's why I'm sent here, to find God so he can shape me to be... straight" I explained

"But, I like girls. So- why am I here?" He questions

He's straight? Oh, that should've made me feel better but why am I so, sad and hurt? My chest felt so tight I felt like I couldn't breathe for a second.

"Y-you like girls?" Why am I even so upset, I wasn't going to try and date him. I need to find God, please. Shift my mind to the light, to the correct way of life.

"Well yeah, but if fellas get sent in' here because they like boys then why am I here?"

"I, don't know. But you can't tell them yet, they won't believe you. Trust me I told them I was straight but they won't let me leave until the month is over..."

"Oh... well at least I get the most awesomest roomie! And er slash accountbilibuddy!" He exclaims with stars in his blue eyes.

"Yeah, I guess your right. It's not all bad, now that you're here"

We hold hands and woah...His hands are so soft, like silk

I need to stop thinking this way
I'm a mistake, and I'll never be normal
But for some reason
I don't want to be normal

What am I even saying, I can't be like this. I don't want to burn in hell. I'm sorry for these bad thoughts Father... forgive me.

-1146