Beyond your Blues

Prolouge

MY NOTE;)
18/12/23
Now it's 12:42 AM and I'm up!I was supposed to post this yesterday but i had a problem.And now it's almost here meaning it won't be for my eyes alone anymore.A bittersweet feeling this is.This time it would be a double update but from next week the routine would go by every Saturday,so gear up your expectations and let's hope for the best!
Anyways let's start our journey TOOKIES🦋

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"I didn't mean for this to happen"

"After all that,how could you give this excuse?"the pain in my chest wouldn't go away no matter what.it was suffocating me.

"I'm sorry"he hung his head low,totally unlike his 'too proud for my own good' self.and when he does this,meaning that he really didn't want any of what had happen to come this far.and i chuckled.tears streaking down my face.and far did we come,crossing all boundaries.this is just too much.

"I will hate you for the rest of my miserable fucking life,Asshole"i hit his chest with all my might one last time.

"That is for giving me hope and grabbing it all back when I desperately need it"he looked me in the eye while saying this,the clouds vanishing by the passing time.

"I hope you forgive me Eile"

I woke up startled ,my sweat soaked tee shirt clinging to my body.i gulped down the water from my water bottle thats been rolling on bed with me.there is no explanation for how delusional my mind is becoming.

Angrily stomping to my window i threw open the blinds.i closed my eyes ,letting the evening light soak my skin.i can hear the birds and even the mild flow of the nearby creek.i didn't mean to fall asleep amidst my bing watching but i did.
It happens most of the time.

I've been having dreams.can't say nightmares but constant dreams that feel like shadows in the darkest corner of my mind waiting to swallow my sanity whole.
i don't know what those are if they keep consuming my mind day and night.a faceless character but different situations and it scares me sometimes ,is this even normal?
not gonna lie but there's this one person,he calls me by a nickname Eile or something ,which i can never seem to remember when I wake up.he doesn't have a face in my reality,its too personal to admit that i feel like i know him.dare say that I've always did,but once i wake up i feel foolish for even thinking that.like i do now.
Who the fuck is Eile anyway?cause i know that it's not me.

There is something weird about me.I've been feeling this void since i fell from my scooter two months back.doctor said that sometimes a concussion can cause symptoms like that.

dad doesn't have a clue too.he took me to a cleansing ritual that didn't do shit when i once talked to him about that.he assumed i had some bad nightmares.
can't blame him.i only gave him vague explanations anyway.

what can i tell?that a guy keeps coming into my head at night,he kisses me,fucks me,calls me Eile and drives me insane?

I didn't bother talking about that to anyone after that.I didn't even tell Liz about this.only my diary.only that dear book that i took off the shelf when all this started bears my innermost thoughts that are too dangerous to wander around in this world.hence,I stopped writing on that and stuffed that thing into the darkest place in my wardrobe.

They'll think I'm insane if i tell them just how worse it is.and I'm scared of asylums,so ima keep it low.

I feel the evening tiredness creeping in me,making me want to stretch and take a bath.dad's at the store and I'm completely alone now so before my mind can wander i run around the house and switch on all the lights.turning the volume up in my Bluetooth mirror,i sing and shower.i try my best not to imagine a face for that person in my dreams and go on with my work,so far its an success.