❤ 𝐇𝐚𝐫𝐦𝐨𝐧𝐲 𝐨𝐟 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐬 ❤

Ⓐⓑⓨⓢⓢ

'𝐈'𝐦 𝐬𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠.'

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The icy sidewalk stretches before me as I keep on walking with my gaze down, avoiding any eye contact from strangers giving me dirty looks. The crunching snow below my feet has the same rhythm of my life right now;

Slow and depressing

I draw in a sharp breath, using up some oxygen in this unfair world. Even a tiny, useless mosquito would need it more than me, and I'm not even exaggerating.
I close my eyes momentarily after seeing the fog of my breath linger in the cold air as if frozen in time.

My hands pain, stinging with the tingling sensation of a million invisible pins prickling my skin continuously, and even though they were numb, I could still feel it. This made me unable to curl my fingers, or even, close them into fists. My fingertips are turning purple, while my knuckles are white like the falling snow.

I know my now dirty, beige, worn-out cotton cardigan, that I found in a trash can while trying to find digestible food, isn't going to last very long. I must find a shelter quickly before nighttime can eventually creep in as it always does.

Of course, I'm not looking forward to it. I'm not looking forward to anything anymore, I know that whatever happens next isn't going to be good anyway.

I lazily look up and see Shanghai's lights in a blurry vision as if my eyes were in a daze. I can easily tell they are brighter than my future. The blue, yellow, red neon lanterns and other light decorations are as numerous and dispersed as the stars in the now dark sky.

Couples are holding each other's hands, children's laughter echoes in the festive atmosphere, while street merchants are calling out in the open trying to sell their food and other items to passersby.

The only thing on my mind is to survive this unpredictable night in this 'magical city'. If it were really magical, then I wouldn't be crying every day and night for food, warm clothes, a protective shelter and a loving family... Loving parents.

Although, I knew very well that I shouldn't waste my energy on tears that would turn into icicles as soon as they would leave my eyes. After all, it was my choice to leave everything behind for a better life that directly came crashing down.

I thought I had enough for what it takes to be independent, that I was finally ready to sacrifice everything, when in reality, I already didn't have much to start with. I knew that I had to go someday, and people always say: 'better now than never'. But maybe I should have waited a little bit longer...

If I had waited, what would have happened?

When I was younger, we were poor. Sounds so cliché right? But it's the truth. I guess, I could also laugh with whoever says that it's so typical that anyone could guess everything in my past..

If you did guess, here's the answer..:

We were so poor that we could only eat one meal a day, and that meal would be bread that we had to make ourselves or that we stole from behind bakeries. And if we were caught, we'd have to pay with the money we needed to survive.

Tragically, both of my parents died when I was 15 years old because of debt collectors. They killed them right in front of my eyes, leaving me with this relentless nightmare haunting me every time I go to sleep. Maybe it is to remind me that I'm next?

As soon as I gathered enough strength and forced myself up, I ran away to a countryside village, where I worked illegally in a secluded farm. I learned several things there, such as planting crops, tending to livestock, harvesting fruits and vegetables, mending fences, milking cows, ploughing fields, and maintaining equipment, which helped me later on.

But of course, I didn't make enough money, the farmers I worked for were kind enough to invite me to their house, obviously, out of pity. We lived as a small family together until I turned 18, and that's when I decided to go off to Shanghai with the tiny amount of savings I managed to gather and keep.

I guess, I could compare my life to a video game, the one that you can choose different options and the outcome can be good or bad, although I'm the person in that game while someone is playing it, and all the outcomes chosen are bad.

Hah.

Well, now here I am. Dragging my feet down these long streets, searching for a job, and begging for help like anybody would. But of course, no one can hear me.

I'm enveloped in darkness, chained at the bottom of an abyss, in an ocean that I created myself. Screaming for help is useless, I've tried countless of times already and I've finally given up.

Have you ever tried screaming underwater?

How there would only be bubbles coming out your mouth, and even though you could hear your own voice no one else would?

That feeling of losing your breath, and inhaling the salty water trying to breathe again. Thrashing under the calm surface but against turbulent waves, hoping to come up for that fresh air you've been longing for.

People would just shrug and tell you to 'never give up'...

What if you were once that person; full of compassion, generosity, kindness, always with a bright smile on your face, helping people whether they asked or not...

That person, who had this burning passion with the boosting motivation, ready to give their all and do the best they can for everything, and even giving encouragement to people who didn't actually deserve those words when, in fact, you were the one who needed them the most.

In truth, the world around you doesn't know what has been bottled up deep inside you until it cracks and you cannot hold your emotions back anymore.

"Manage your feelings better," they say, "You're not three years old anymore."

They cannot see the pain you went or are still going through, the battle scars engraved on your skin forever... until they see with their own eyes how you cut yourself every night. Like a withering flower, you lose the feelings little by little until you don't have any fucks to give anymore.

You just watch, blankly, emotionlessly, as the blood trickles down your wrists, as they slowly turned numb, blocking the pain.

No.

You were already numb to the pain, you got way too used to it and it turned normal for you.

They cannot read your story because they judged your cover too quickly.

So before you go.

Here is mine...

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Please bare with me just a little bit... (っ◞‸◟c)