Down the road of memories

The photograph

Elle POV

This night at the high school carnival was awesome!  I felt transported back to the days at the Beach house, when Lee, Rachel, Noah and I were there together.  Rachel's wacky stories or the spats between Lee and Noah punctuated the evening in a sublime way by taking me back to the good old days.  I hadn't had so much fun or laughed in a long time.  It comforted me about my decision to come back to Los Angeles.  

But one subject remained ambiguous... Noah!  In fact, there were a few things that were very clear.  We still have things hanging in the air, as if our story hasn't been written yet, even after 6 years of breakup.  I was surprised by the way he looked at me, told me he missed me, or when he simply asked me for a date.  Am I ready to open this box of emotions? I think that finally... today I don't have a choice.

The next evening, I was sitting in the hospital cafeteria for our dinner break with Dr Michelle Taylor when she said to me:  
-Grant Browns seemed really depressed today!  
-What for? " I said, looking at her over my coffee. 
-Anthony told me that he and Browns saw you at a restaurant with Lee Flynn and... your ex." Michelle said, looking me in the eyes.  "Anthony also told me that your ex would make any girl’s head turn.

I could only laugh at her comment:  
-When I was in high school and Noah and I secretly dating, there was a group of blondes who surrounded me in the cafeteria to ask me if I'd ever seen Flynn with a girl.  To distract them from the conversation, I told them no, and that maybe he was gay!    The look they gave me before calling me crazy, it was hilarious!  
-So how is your relationship today?  
-At the moment, non-existent.  I hadn't spoken to him in 2 years just before I left for Europe.  I struggled so hard to tell myself that this chapter of my life was closed!  
-But, do you still love him?  In any case, it was obvious to Anthony.  

I sighed before telling her:
-Yes, I still love him.  But, we've already broken up 2 times!  I don't want to come back into this relationship only to break up again in 1 or 2 years.  And I still don't know what he wants!  He's supposed to call me this week.  

And just as I said those words, my cell phone started ringing.  Noah's name popped up for the first time in 2 years.  
-I think you're going to find out! " Michelle said, getting up to give me some space. 

I took a deep breath before picking up the phone and answering professionally, probably to allow my heart to stop racing.   
-Dr. Rochelle Evans!  
-Elle?  It always startles me when I hear someone call you that!  
-Probably the same as when I heard someone call you Master Noah Flynn for the first time.  How was your return to Boston? 
-Pretty good, but I would have liked to stay.  It felt good to take some time last night with Lee, Rachel and... especially you.  
-You seemed quite determined to choose the offer at Los Angeles!  
-Indeed, I'm pretty determined!  I'm already working on a big case with the Los Angeles team so it gives me a good idea of the team.  I'm going to be in LA for a week starting Friday.  I really wish I could have seen you this week, Elle.  To pick up where my life left off...

I felt the discussion simply veering off to the topic I'd been trying to avoid for so long.  
-Noah...
-I told you at your father's wedding, Elle... I really missed you!  I think I understood how much I cared about you when I let you go.  I've been waiting for the moment to see you again for so long." He said, and I could hear his voice hesitate.
-Noah...
-I really need to tell you, Elle!  It seems like I have more courage on the phone than face to face...  You told me at your father's wedding that when the time came, we would have to discuss what happened between us.  I think now I'm ready.  I want to come back into your life, Elle, and I think I'd do absolutely anything to have a another chance.  

There was no point in continuing to avoid, so I decided to open it slowly: 
-In all honesty, I was really surprised to see you arrive last night like this, Noah!  I'm still a little stunned that after 6 years of seeing each other 3 times, you want to come back into my life? 

I heard him sigh and then a few minutes of silence followed.  I didn't push him, preferring to let him say what he meant.  
-Breaking up with you was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.  I realized at the time that I was no different from anyone else and that I demanded a lot from you.  I didn't mean to be selfish towards you!  I wanted to have you with me more than anything, but I didn't want you to give up your dreams to meet my selfish needs. I thought removing myself from the equation was best for you, but it was against my will.  

I was stunned by Noah's revelation.  I took a few minutes before replying in a small voice close to a whisper: 
-You told me that loving me wasn't enough.  
-Yes, but it was in relation to me and not in relation to you.  I was too immature to be able to love you the way you deserved.  When you asked me at that moment if this is what I wanted, I said yes but deep down, I was screaming no! 

My eyes became full of tears at that moment as I remembered the sadness I had felt at the top of that hill.  I also realized that then and even now, Noah was as broken as I was! 
-When we met again at the beach house to take the photograph, it took me everything not to beg you to forgive me.  When I walked away that day, I felt like I was tearing a part of myself apart." He said to me and I could feel his voice about to be overwhelmed with emotion.  
-At that point, I wish you'd told me to forget everything, Noah!  I don't know how long I stayed inside my car in the parking lot at the foot of this hill hoping that some miracle would come and stop my world from falling apart.  But...  I probably wouldn't be a doctor today.  Despite the fact that it was very painful, I believe it was indeed the right thing to do.  I've forgiven you Noah!

He sighed before telling me:
-I've been wishing for so long for you to tell me you forgive me, Elle!  But what I want even more is for you to tell me that I still have a chance." He told me and I could feel hope in his voice.  

I struggled for 3 years to convince myself that this chapter of my life was closed.  And after my father's wedding, I didn't want to wait for that outcome.  Noah might as well have fallen in love with another girl all this time.  But, I felt this hope resurfacing that I wanted to ignore, deep in my heart that Noah and I still have a chance to be something.  However, I had to know: 
-Noah, I'd like to ask you a question and I'd like you to answer me honestly.  I reassure you, I'm not trying to trap you.  Were you surprised when you found out I was going into medicine? 
 
He sighed before answering: 
-Yes, not because I thought you couldn't do it.  But because I'd never heard you talk about it.  
-Actually, I've changed in 6 years, Noah!  And today, medicine is part of my life and makes me vibrate.  Maybe the girl you fell in love with... no longer exists." I said in a small voice that sounded more like a whisper." Maybe that photograph you kept of us 6 years ago inside your pocket, it's not us anymore.  
-No, that girl I fell in love with is still here! " He said in a convinced voice. " And I don't care who you are today, Elle, I want to get to know you again.

I took a few minutes to think before telling him: 
- I'm not saying yes, Noah, but I'm not saying no, either.  If I'm still in a relationship with you, I want to make sure that you and I are doing it for the right reasons. So, it's probably wise to take the time to relearn yourself today.  To become friends again before considering becoming lovers again. 
-You're right, even if I'd rather jump on the train at the same place where we stopped.
-You're going to have to be patient with me because it's probably going to take me a while before I feel comfortable believing in us again.  Because even though in hindsight, I agree that putting a break from our relationship to allow me to find what I wanted to do was the right thing to do.  Still, I didn't see the breakup coming.  I'm going to have to learn to trust you again.  

He sighed when he heard this. 
- I'm so sorry for the way I did things, Elle.  But I knew that otherwise, I would never have been able to stand firm in my decision to let you go.  I know that this does not excuse my lack of consideration for you and that I must respect the effect I have had on you.  Even though deep down, I'd love to go back to the way we were before.  But I understand that we will have to rebuild.  I'm in Los Angeles for the week, will you allow me to spend the week with you to slowly get to know each other again?  Maybe take a trip down the path of memories? 
- Why not! I'll have to leave you, I just got called for an ambulance.
- All right!  Go save the world!" he said. 
- That's the plan!  Good evening, Noah!

Then I hung up wondering what this week was going to bring.