Terminal || L.H

Dear Luke ☓

23 days prior

I saw you for the first time in
3 days this morning, i would have came inside faster, but I didn't want you to see me screaming at God and begging him not to do this to me; to us. I didn't want you to see me trashing my apartment as the burning whole in my chest became bigger, and the ache in my head escalated.

We had so many things we wanted to do, places to go, people to meet. I think the worst thing the Universe can do to a person is give them their soulmate and take them away. The angels must be jealous of you and me.
You're so beautifully put together they must hate how you shine among other people in December.
They must hate how much I love you. That's why they call you back to heaven so early, and I have to sit and watch you leave me.
If I could take this away from you I would, my love. You're only 18.
This is not the life you deserve to have.

You sat there, as the doctors told you that you have approximately 2 months to live, and you took it with a faint smile while I broke down in the tiny office. I screamed at the doctors; begged them to do something. I got down on my knees and screamed to do something! But they told me we caught it too late, there was nothing more but chemotherapy.
Why didn't you say yes? Do you want to leave me? I ran out of the office while you trailed behind me slowly, I collapsed to the floor sobbing into my hands as you sat next to me and held me tightly.
I promise you, I will never forget what you said to me

"This is not the end of us, it's only the second half of our lives together"

It's getting harder to breathe for you, you take longer getting into bed at night, I stay up late those nights because I'm so afraid you'll leave me in your slumber. With your head on my chest and your arms wrapped around my waist, little spots on my shirt from your mouth agape, I comb your hair with my skinny fingers, and i realized that my love for you will never fade to gray.

I lost it Sunday morning, you puking into the toilet seat crying because your nose was bleeding and your stomach hurt sent me to hell and back. But, you still smiled once I helped you to the shower and said

"I'd kiss you, but I seem to be covered in my own fluids"

My mom tells me I should give you space, but I can't, Luke.
I can never give you space knowing my time is limited now.

I kiss you so much now, you barely get any time to breathe.
But I do it so much now because you never know when the last time is the last time.

I guess I just have to learn to take everything you do to heart now I love you, to Neptune and back.
My love, My life