Terminal || L.H

Dear Luke xxxxx

16 days prior

You woke up first this morning. Feeling the bed dip scared me so bad I shot out of bed. You laughed when you watched me. I'm going to miss that laugh. You wanted to go do something. Saying "I only have so much fucking time left!" I hate when you say that. But I know you are just trying to keep me positive.

We went to Ashton's house this time. All the boys came over, bringing snacks and games. It was almost as if everything were normal again. But that thought was always short lived. Mikey made you laugh, actually laugh for the first time in 2 months. It brought me to tears. I had to leave the room. I didn't want to ruin your time with them.

Cal came to check on me. What he told me will always stick with me "love him now, while you still can. Soon you won't be able to". Please always remember that I love you, Luke.

I sat next to you, your arm dangled over my shoulder. I felt like we were kids again, when you would have band practice and I would come watch you. You always said you guys would "be big".

We fought over baby names with Cal. He swore he would never bother me again if I named the baby Cali. He yelled "it's almost like 'Calum' but the girl version!" You looked at me as if it were the last time you'd see me. Please don't do that.

Back at home you crashed. It takes a lot for you to move now, almost all your energy is gone but by little movements. I laid next to you on the bed watching the tv screen, but not processing anything. You laid your head on my chest and rubbed my growing belly. When you leave, Luke. It will destroy me.

You forced me to eat this time. You sat across from me at the table and watched me eat every bite. You have a IV tube stuck in your arm for fluids now. You didn't even flinch when they stuck you. You rolled your eyes when I groaned pushing the plate away. You sighed, "please" you gestured to the rest of the food on the plate "do it for both of you". I hate when you try to take care of me. I should be taking care of you.

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Luke,

You went into cardiac arrest again. I called Ash first, screaming on the phone to come help me. The ambulance came again. This time I tried CPR. I'm no good at it, but they told me it's good that I kept some blood flowing. I screamed and broke the picture of us on our first date. Why did this have to happen? You don't deserve this Luke, not you.

The Doctor at the hospital said you are progressing at a fast pace. It felt like the room was spinning and I drowned out the noises around me to focus on the pulse in my brain. Your mom came in to see you today, you haven't woken up yet, but she was here. She talked to me and told me to focus on the baby. "That's the priority here, T. You know he would want that as well". I can't not be here for you Luke. Once you leave, I'm alone. I can't be alone.

Mikey offered to stay with you so I could get some proper sleep at home, but home isn't the same without you. It's quiet, and right now the quiet is too violently loud for me. The boys take shifts sitting with me. I guess they are afraid I'll hurt myself. At this point Luke, i would kill myself to be with you.

Ashton was the morning shift, Mikey was the afternoon, and Cal was night. Cal would sing to me to try and make me smile, it worked one time. It didn't last long, though. I'll be in to see you tomorrow, and I'm not leaving you again.