Terminal || L.H

Dear luke xxx

18 days prior

The moment the words escaped the nurses mouth I was numb. I'm 17 and you're leaving me. I'm sorry I made a scene. I shouldn't have embarrassed you like that. My screams for the doctors to take the baby out of me killed you, I could see it. But all you did was put your hand on my stomach and smiled; You make even hell feel like heaven.

I stared at the ceiling most of the night while you slept soundly, carefully listening for every breath you expelled from your lungs. Everyone is already making arrangements to baby sit me while you go for your visit to the hospital tomorrow. They don't understand when I say I have to go with you.. my mom says it's too much stress on the baby, but the thing is? I don't care. We were supposed to have a lifetime, luke.

The doctors said you are getting worse; the cancers spread to your lungs and throughout your spinal cord. This time I couldn't cry, all I could do is remember the night we sat on the couch and talked about the future we were going to have. My stomach is showing early and you said it's because I'm not eating or sleeping. How can I? Sadness will keep you up at night, I need to be with you every moment I can so when you finally let go, I have memories to hang onto.

All I do anymore is listen to the tv and space out; my doctors are really worried about me and truthfully, so am I. What am I going to do without you? You are my breath and my heart beat. With the sun shining on my face and my half naked body you told me "even at your worst, you're fucking incredible"

I had to call the ambulance today, you didn't wake me up when you went to the bathroom, you fell and hit your head really bad. I sat with the sheet wrapped around my frail, pregnant body and watched them cart you out of the apartment.

The next day you were out of the hospital and home with a bandage over your skull. You look so pale and helplessly attached to my chest while you rub my stomach lightly singing to the baby. Cal and Mikey came over that day, you played video games and ate chips all day. They seemed more than okay with making a mess, so was I. As long as you were smiling.

The night was good, the first time in months you haven't thrown up. You cuddled your stuffy all night and made me laugh till I cried. I felt like we were normal again, and not full of depression and cancer for a night